... Nanami has to pause for a moment as the reality of what he feared since the moment Yuji texted him comes to pass. Does that mean Gojo died? Gojo? He wouldn't, he couldn't, it's not possible.
But... but Nanami is also a realist, pragmatic, and deeply cynical. Gojo is the Strongest but if he's dead, it means he was killed by Sukuna. The only person who could come close to killing Gojo, and if Sukuna killed him that means Yuji killed him. No wonder the boy was so broken up when he arrived. No wonder his attitude about himself has tanked so completely. Briefly, Nanami wonders about the lack of eye scars on Yuji's face. Sukuna is not here with them, Yuji is just a boy again, but what else could that mean?
Nanami takes a breath and tries not to panic. He can't fix what's happened at home. But he can help Yuji right now, here.
So, he's quiet for a long moment before he finally replies: ]
Itadori-kun, if you died, I would be devastated.
[ Nanami is dead. He's not going back. He can share sentiment like that now, he doesn't need to be the pragmatic realist he always is. He needs to be the caring mentor. He needs Yuji to realize he matters.
He's not the vessel for Sukuna. He's Itadori Yuji, his precious mentee. ]
[ If this was the Yuji Itadori of a few months ago, those words would've given him a burst of joy, a happiness so undeniable that it made him feel as if he could take on the world. Now... Now it just makes him feel worse, nauseated from the weight of the grief that he is causing, the suffering that he has brought to this bright, peaceful world. Nanami and Gojo-sensei were so content here before he had arrived - he'd thought the same when he had talked to Sumina-san.
They'd been at peace, relaxing, finding their happiness. His arrival had brought nothing but pain and heartache, and he keeps going it. He has to put his phone down because his hands are shaking so badly, not able to muster up the strength to reply. It doesn't register to him that Nanami would be worried, that he would be concerned, that any of this might cause problems - he's too lost in his own sadness, the hurt of it all catching up to him. He turns, burrowing into the pillows of his bed, and he just cries.
If he died, Nanamin would be devastated. Yuji doesn't know how to handle that, doesn't know how to process it when he wishes, so desperately, that he had died. In the long run, wouldn't all their lives have been better if Yuji had died when he first ate Sukuna's finger? There would have been no Shibuya, Nanami and Kugisaki would have lived, Gojo-sensei would've survived, Fushiguro would have freedom. It's all his fault, and the spiralling of his thoughts has it all crashing down on him.
For so long, he had something to focus on - he had the Culling Game, and then he had fighting Sukuna, supporting Gojo-sensei - and now he has nothing but the time to dwell and let himself sink further and further into his own despair. He is unshakable, this won't break him forever, but he also knows that this was a long time coming. He can barely breathe with it, his hurt and his ache making him want to never leave the hotel room again. If he stays, he won't have to face them - their hurt, their pity, their frustration, their irritation with him, for lying, for hiding this, for not being strong enough.
He's never strong enough. He couldn't even kill Mahito. What is the point of his existence, beyond being a part in the stupid machine of sorcery? He had the belief, once, that he could be a sorcerer, could be something good for this world, and in the end...
What has he done with his life, to make it worth saving?
It's a long, long time between Nanami's text and Yuji's reply as he tries to wrest himself back into control. It takes too many minutes, and he is sure that Nanami will be getting worried by now. The messages come, one after the other, in a little rush of heartache. ]
im sorry nanamin i understand i felt that way when you yeah
[ Nanami is worried, the longer he goes without hearing from Yuji. But he has a feeling, just his own intuition, that Yuji needs some time to recover after the message Nanami just sent him. So, he waits. He sits on his porch and watches the sun disappear behind the clouds and holds his phone in his hand, patient.
Gojo is dead. The reality sinks into him as he waits for Yuji's reply. He wonders if Gojo will return after he died or before it. Will this be another lie Nanami will have to hold back from him now that Yuji has shared the truth with him? He doesn't want to carry this burden, but there's nothing to be done. He wishes for a moment that Gojo was here, so he could talk to him, figure out what to do about Yuji together. Figure out what to do about their deaths now that they're both no longer able to go back home. But that's putting the cart before the horse and so he shakes his head and dismisses the thought.
By the time he's finished getting caught up in what ifs, Yuji finally replies and he opens his phone to read the messages, a frown pulling across his face. ]
I know you are carrying deep pain right now, Itadori-kun, and I cannot promise it gets better. But death is not the alternative, no matter how much loss you are carrying. You can only keep moving forward.
[ Nanami's message comes, and he knows it. Of course, he knows, that he has to keep fighting, but that isn't the point of all of this. He just wants to stop... Feeling like this. Like the failure, like he keeps making everything go wrong, like the suffering he is going through is something he deserves. If he explained to Nanami all the things that had happened since his death in Shibuya...
Nanami's death, twinned with Kugisaki's, had been enough to break him. Without Todo's intervention, he would never have made it out alive. Maybe that, too, would've been better.
Sniffling, he groans into the pillow, trying to find the right words to ease Nanami's concerns while being honest enough to satisfy him. ]
[ It's difficult, isn't it? It feels almost as if he's saying all the wrong things, but he knows that's not the case as well. He knows that Yuji is just in a pit and even if Nanami climbed down into it with him and tried to pull him out, it wouldn't work. Yuji needs to climb out of it himself. Nanami sighs, rubbing his face slightly and feeling hollow for a moment.
He wishes he could just fix this, but he knows it's not in his power. He can only be there to support Yuji the best he can. ]
It's okay if you are not. You don't have to be okay, you know.
[ If he breaks down now, Fushiguro will know that things are worse than he might already be picturing. For him to find out about Gojo-sensei, for him to find out about his sister... It would break him. Yuji had seen it. His heart hurts, and he feels like he's being crushed by a solid, real life weight. ]
[ So Megumi is not from as far in the future as Yuji is. That's... interesting. He wonders why the hotel would do that? But there's no explanation that's going to come to him right now, he doesn't have nearly enough information.
For now, he tries to comfort Yuji instead. ]
Feel it for today. Don't bottle it up. Then, tomorrow's a new day.
[ He feels guilty, knowing that he’s made Nanami feel bad, but there’s no taking it back now. All he can do is breathe in and out, trying not to break completely. He has to be strong.
[ Nanami doesn't take long to get there. About ten or so minutes later, Yuji will get a knock on his door. On the other side, there is Nanami. He's dressed down in a sweater and a pair of slacks, but his hair is still in its usual part and he's wearing his sunglasses.
He'll be scrutinizing Yuji carefully when he answers, wanting to know just what's going on in that brain of his. ]
[ The Yuji that answers the door isn’t the bright, enthusiastic teenager that Nanami might be used to. He looks tired, pale skin making his scars all the more obvious, his heart in his throat as he looks up at the man in front of him. It makes his face crumple a little, but he holds himself together enough to invite Nanami in without cracking.
He can’t let Fushiguro see yet, after all.
Once they’re inside, he stands awkwardly in the room. His bed is a mess, the duvet wrapped up in a way that suggests a blanket fort of some kind, and Yuji sniffles. ]
[ Well, he's not going to just let Yuji suffer. When they're alone, when he's able to get a good assessment of the state of Yuji's room and Yuji himself, he nods to himself. He knows what to do and he makes to do it.
So, he's going to tug Yuji closer into a hug, arms going around his shoulders and hugging him to his chest. He'll drop his chin into his hair and just hold him for a little while, since it's clear this is what Yuji needs as well. ]
The arms wrap around him and through the mist of pain and grief Yuji feels a sharp burst of safety, of comfort. Even though he knows it’ll get worse before it gets better, right now the only thing that bubbles inside him is thankfulness, a rush of contentment soothing the lava hot edges of his sadness.
Yuji would never have asked Nanami for this before, not dared and never expected it, but the arms feel so solid. Like scaffolds that won’t break, support that won’t crumble. The shudder than runs through him is tears again, but this time…
He sniffles, hiding his face against Nanami and gripping to him. It’s just like their first meeting all over again. ]
[ There is such relief in him when he feels Yuji begin to shake, begin to cry, not because he wants Yuji to cry but because he wants Yuji to feel. He wants him to deal with the emotions running through him and not bottle them up and try to pretend for Nanami or whoever else that he's okay. Because he's so very clearly not okay. And that is okay.
So, Nanami squeezes him a little tighter and holds him close, letting him hide his face and cry if he wants to. He'll be here to support him through it, be his anchor in the storm if he needs to.
[ Yuji nods into Nanami’s chest, hiccuping quietly with his tears, the soft sobs rolling through him. He thought he could handle it better, but… It’s too much. All of it.
He’s only fifteen.
Breathing out, he tries to muster himself as best he can. ]
Right before I came here. Sukuna activated a binding vow and Fushiguro became his vessel. When Gojo-sensei fought Sukuna, he died.
[ The noise that comes next is a subdued wail, a soft, mournful sound. He hasn’t had a moment to grieve, not really. ]
[ He's only fifteen and he has been through so, so much. Nanami's eyes close at the admission that Gojo is dead, that he's gone, and that he's going to come back and be in the same situation Nanami is in. He doesn't know what they're going to do, when there's just so much left unattended to. Weren't they supposed to be the adults?
But then there's more there. A binding vow? Sukuna took over Megumi as his vessel? The pieces fall into place a little more easily then. Sukuna's power combined with the deep understanding he likely has of Megumi's technique, more than Megumi does most likely. That must have been what killed Gojo.
The lack of eye scars too. Megumi arriving at the hotel from a time earlier than Yuji, probably because the hotel knew he couldn't arrive with Sukuna inhabiting his body. It all makes sense now and the tragedy of it is so obvious. He feels so, so bad for Yuji. That much to carry on such a young man's shoulders. ]
It's not your fault. I know in this moment it feels like every one of your decisions have led up to this series of events, that if you did anything differently things might have ended up differently as well. But that is not true.
I'm not trying to say that this was all predetermined or fate or anything like that. I just mean that the blame for this is not on your shoulders. Sukuna was a threat long before you joined our world and until he is gone, he will continue to be a threat. The curse users were also working together to bind Gojo before you arrived as well. Their attack on us was inevitable.
So, listen to me, while this is a tragedy: it is not your fault. If anything, it is our fault for dragging you into our world when you are an innocent.
[ It feels a little cruel to say Nanami doesn’t understand, because Yuji knows he does. He might not have the same understanding of being a vessel, a tool to destroy Sukuna and nothing more, but he definitely empathises with the things Yuji isn’t saying: feeling like a part in a machine, like his role is one specific thing and that’s how he should live. Yuji can’t say to Nanami that he doesn’t get it, because they’ve suffered losses before. Both of them have lost as much as they’d ever gained in this world, hadn’t they?
It piles up. Grandpa, Junpei, Nanami, Kugisaki, Todo, Inumaki, Fushiguro, Tsumiki, Gojo-sensei, the countless lives lost in Shibuya that he hangs himself on… It doesn’t matter to Yuji what anyone says, what Higuruma-san tells him, this is all his doing. He wishes that he had died after that first mission for real - then Nanami would never have known him. He’d never have to worry about him, be burdened by Yuji’s hurt and his pain. He had wanted to keep the older man happy and peaceful here, but he was selfish.
Selfishly, he wants more time with him. Selfishly, he wants to steal as much of Nanami as he’s allowed and carry it with him. He’d promised, after Shibuya. ‘You’ve got it from here’, ‘I’ll carry your share of suffering’. What were those words worth now? What was the point of it all, if this is how he handled it all? Useless, pathetic creature- that’s how he sees himself. Todo should’ve left him to rot.
He should’ve died months ago. ]
I’m not innocent, Nanamin. The things I’ve done are unforgivable. It’s not fair to say something like that any more, not when I know.
[ He grips at Nanami a little tighter, unable to lift his head and show his face, too filled with self-loathing and disgust. ]
I get it now. I should’ve let them kill me from the start.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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and i know what happens
idk what to do about that
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Are you wishing you could change what happens?
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i'd let myself die if it fixed this
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Would Gojo-san be happy if you did that though?
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... Nanami has to pause for a moment as the reality of what he feared since the moment Yuji texted him comes to pass. Does that mean Gojo died? Gojo? He wouldn't, he couldn't, it's not possible.
But... but Nanami is also a realist, pragmatic, and deeply cynical. Gojo is the Strongest but if he's dead, it means he was killed by Sukuna. The only person who could come close to killing Gojo, and if Sukuna killed him that means Yuji killed him. No wonder the boy was so broken up when he arrived. No wonder his attitude about himself has tanked so completely. Briefly, Nanami wonders about the lack of eye scars on Yuji's face. Sukuna is not here with them, Yuji is just a boy again, but what else could that mean?
Nanami takes a breath and tries not to panic. He can't fix what's happened at home. But he can help Yuji right now, here.
So, he's quiet for a long moment before he finally replies: ]
Itadori-kun, if you died, I would be devastated.
[ Nanami is dead. He's not going back. He can share sentiment like that now, he doesn't need to be the pragmatic realist he always is. He needs to be the caring mentor. He needs Yuji to realize he matters.
He's not the vessel for Sukuna. He's Itadori Yuji, his precious mentee. ]
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They'd been at peace, relaxing, finding their happiness. His arrival had brought nothing but pain and heartache, and he keeps going it. He has to put his phone down because his hands are shaking so badly, not able to muster up the strength to reply. It doesn't register to him that Nanami would be worried, that he would be concerned, that any of this might cause problems - he's too lost in his own sadness, the hurt of it all catching up to him. He turns, burrowing into the pillows of his bed, and he just cries.
If he died, Nanamin would be devastated. Yuji doesn't know how to handle that, doesn't know how to process it when he wishes, so desperately, that he had died. In the long run, wouldn't all their lives have been better if Yuji had died when he first ate Sukuna's finger? There would have been no Shibuya, Nanami and Kugisaki would have lived, Gojo-sensei would've survived, Fushiguro would have freedom. It's all his fault, and the spiralling of his thoughts has it all crashing down on him.
For so long, he had something to focus on - he had the Culling Game, and then he had fighting Sukuna, supporting Gojo-sensei - and now he has nothing but the time to dwell and let himself sink further and further into his own despair. He is unshakable, this won't break him forever, but he also knows that this was a long time coming. He can barely breathe with it, his hurt and his ache making him want to never leave the hotel room again. If he stays, he won't have to face them - their hurt, their pity, their frustration, their irritation with him, for lying, for hiding this, for not being strong enough.
He's never strong enough. He couldn't even kill Mahito. What is the point of his existence, beyond being a part in the stupid machine of sorcery? He had the belief, once, that he could be a sorcerer, could be something good for this world, and in the end...
What has he done with his life, to make it worth saving?
It's a long, long time between Nanami's text and Yuji's reply as he tries to wrest himself back into control. It takes too many minutes, and he is sure that Nanami will be getting worried by now. The messages come, one after the other, in a little rush of heartache. ]
im sorry nanamin
i understand
i felt that way when you
yeah
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Gojo is dead. The reality sinks into him as he waits for Yuji's reply. He wonders if Gojo will return after he died or before it. Will this be another lie Nanami will have to hold back from him now that Yuji has shared the truth with him? He doesn't want to carry this burden, but there's nothing to be done. He wishes for a moment that Gojo was here, so he could talk to him, figure out what to do about Yuji together. Figure out what to do about their deaths now that they're both no longer able to go back home. But that's putting the cart before the horse and so he shakes his head and dismisses the thought.
By the time he's finished getting caught up in what ifs, Yuji finally replies and he opens his phone to read the messages, a frown pulling across his face. ]
I know you are carrying deep pain right now, Itadori-kun, and I cannot promise it gets better. But death is not the alternative, no matter how much loss you are carrying. You can only keep moving forward.
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Nanami's death, twinned with Kugisaki's, had been enough to break him. Without Todo's intervention, he would never have made it out alive. Maybe that, too, would've been better.
Sniffling, he groans into the pillow, trying to find the right words to ease Nanami's concerns while being honest enough to satisfy him. ]
sorry
it'll be ok tomorrow
[ Dealing with grief? Not Yuji. ]
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He wishes he could just fix this, but he knows it's not in his power. He can only be there to support Yuji the best he can. ]
It's okay if you are not. You don't have to be okay, you know.
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[ If he breaks down now, Fushiguro will know that things are worse than he might already be picturing. For him to find out about Gojo-sensei, for him to find out about his sister... It would break him. Yuji had seen it. His heart hurts, and he feels like he's being crushed by a solid, real life weight. ]
just for today. i'll feel it for today.
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For now, he tries to comfort Yuji instead. ]
Feel it for today. Don't bottle it up. Then, tomorrow's a new day.
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Doesn’t he? ]
im trying. ok?
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I know you are. You're strong, Itadori-kun, and I don't just mean physically.
Please, when you feel like this again, don't hesitate to reach out to me like you did today.
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i changed my mind
can i see you?
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Yes. Would you like to come to me or should I come to you?
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[ As is ever the case with Yuji, this isn’t necessarily about him. He thinks… Maybe Nanami needs the comfort now too. ]
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[ Nanami doesn't take long to get there. About ten or so minutes later, Yuji will get a knock on his door. On the other side, there is Nanami. He's dressed down in a sweater and a pair of slacks, but his hair is still in its usual part and he's wearing his sunglasses.
He'll be scrutinizing Yuji carefully when he answers, wanting to know just what's going on in that brain of his. ]
Itadori-kun.
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He can’t let Fushiguro see yet, after all.
Once they’re inside, he stands awkwardly in the room. His bed is a mess, the duvet wrapped up in a way that suggests a blanket fort of some kind, and Yuji sniffles. ]
Hi, Nanamin.
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So, he's going to tug Yuji closer into a hug, arms going around his shoulders and hugging him to his chest. He'll drop his chin into his hair and just hold him for a little while, since it's clear this is what Yuji needs as well. ]
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Oh.
The arms wrap around him and through the mist of pain and grief Yuji feels a sharp burst of safety, of comfort. Even though he knows it’ll get worse before it gets better, right now the only thing that bubbles inside him is thankfulness, a rush of contentment soothing the lava hot edges of his sadness.
Yuji would never have asked Nanami for this before, not dared and never expected it, but the arms feel so solid. Like scaffolds that won’t break, support that won’t crumble. The shudder than runs through him is tears again, but this time…
He sniffles, hiding his face against Nanami and gripping to him. It’s just like their first meeting all over again. ]
Nanamin…
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So, Nanami squeezes him a little tighter and holds him close, letting him hide his face and cry if he wants to. He'll be here to support him through it, be his anchor in the storm if he needs to.
Quietly, with empathy, he asks — ]
Gojo-san died, didn't he?
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He’s only fifteen.
Breathing out, he tries to muster himself as best he can. ]
Right before I came here. Sukuna activated a binding vow and Fushiguro became his vessel. When Gojo-sensei fought Sukuna, he died.
[ The noise that comes next is a subdued wail, a soft, mournful sound. He hasn’t had a moment to grieve, not really. ]
It’s all my fault.
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But then there's more there. A binding vow? Sukuna took over Megumi as his vessel? The pieces fall into place a little more easily then. Sukuna's power combined with the deep understanding he likely has of Megumi's technique, more than Megumi does most likely. That must have been what killed Gojo.
The lack of eye scars too. Megumi arriving at the hotel from a time earlier than Yuji, probably because the hotel knew he couldn't arrive with Sukuna inhabiting his body. It all makes sense now and the tragedy of it is so obvious. He feels so, so bad for Yuji. That much to carry on such a young man's shoulders. ]
It's not your fault. I know in this moment it feels like every one of your decisions have led up to this series of events, that if you did anything differently things might have ended up differently as well. But that is not true.
I'm not trying to say that this was all predetermined or fate or anything like that. I just mean that the blame for this is not on your shoulders. Sukuna was a threat long before you joined our world and until he is gone, he will continue to be a threat. The curse users were also working together to bind Gojo before you arrived as well. Their attack on us was inevitable.
So, listen to me, while this is a tragedy: it is not your fault. If anything, it is our fault for dragging you into our world when you are an innocent.
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It piles up. Grandpa, Junpei, Nanami, Kugisaki, Todo, Inumaki, Fushiguro, Tsumiki, Gojo-sensei, the countless lives lost in Shibuya that he hangs himself on… It doesn’t matter to Yuji what anyone says, what Higuruma-san tells him, this is all his doing. He wishes that he had died after that first mission for real - then Nanami would never have known him. He’d never have to worry about him, be burdened by Yuji’s hurt and his pain. He had wanted to keep the older man happy and peaceful here, but he was selfish.
Selfishly, he wants more time with him. Selfishly, he wants to steal as much of Nanami as he’s allowed and carry it with him. He’d promised, after Shibuya. ‘You’ve got it from here’, ‘I’ll carry your share of suffering’. What were those words worth now? What was the point of it all, if this is how he handled it all? Useless, pathetic creature- that’s how he sees himself. Todo should’ve left him to rot.
He should’ve died months ago. ]
I’m not innocent, Nanamin. The things I’ve done are unforgivable. It’s not fair to say something like that any more, not when I know.
[ He grips at Nanami a little tighter, unable to lift his head and show his face, too filled with self-loathing and disgust. ]
I get it now. I should’ve let them kill me from the start.
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