The arms wrap around him and through the mist of pain and grief Yuji feels a sharp burst of safety, of comfort. Even though he knows it’ll get worse before it gets better, right now the only thing that bubbles inside him is thankfulness, a rush of contentment soothing the lava hot edges of his sadness.
Yuji would never have asked Nanami for this before, not dared and never expected it, but the arms feel so solid. Like scaffolds that won’t break, support that won’t crumble. The shudder than runs through him is tears again, but this time…
He sniffles, hiding his face against Nanami and gripping to him. It’s just like their first meeting all over again. ]
[ There is such relief in him when he feels Yuji begin to shake, begin to cry, not because he wants Yuji to cry but because he wants Yuji to feel. He wants him to deal with the emotions running through him and not bottle them up and try to pretend for Nanami or whoever else that he's okay. Because he's so very clearly not okay. And that is okay.
So, Nanami squeezes him a little tighter and holds him close, letting him hide his face and cry if he wants to. He'll be here to support him through it, be his anchor in the storm if he needs to.
[ Yuji nods into Nanami’s chest, hiccuping quietly with his tears, the soft sobs rolling through him. He thought he could handle it better, but… It’s too much. All of it.
He’s only fifteen.
Breathing out, he tries to muster himself as best he can. ]
Right before I came here. Sukuna activated a binding vow and Fushiguro became his vessel. When Gojo-sensei fought Sukuna, he died.
[ The noise that comes next is a subdued wail, a soft, mournful sound. He hasn’t had a moment to grieve, not really. ]
[ He's only fifteen and he has been through so, so much. Nanami's eyes close at the admission that Gojo is dead, that he's gone, and that he's going to come back and be in the same situation Nanami is in. He doesn't know what they're going to do, when there's just so much left unattended to. Weren't they supposed to be the adults?
But then there's more there. A binding vow? Sukuna took over Megumi as his vessel? The pieces fall into place a little more easily then. Sukuna's power combined with the deep understanding he likely has of Megumi's technique, more than Megumi does most likely. That must have been what killed Gojo.
The lack of eye scars too. Megumi arriving at the hotel from a time earlier than Yuji, probably because the hotel knew he couldn't arrive with Sukuna inhabiting his body. It all makes sense now and the tragedy of it is so obvious. He feels so, so bad for Yuji. That much to carry on such a young man's shoulders. ]
It's not your fault. I know in this moment it feels like every one of your decisions have led up to this series of events, that if you did anything differently things might have ended up differently as well. But that is not true.
I'm not trying to say that this was all predetermined or fate or anything like that. I just mean that the blame for this is not on your shoulders. Sukuna was a threat long before you joined our world and until he is gone, he will continue to be a threat. The curse users were also working together to bind Gojo before you arrived as well. Their attack on us was inevitable.
So, listen to me, while this is a tragedy: it is not your fault. If anything, it is our fault for dragging you into our world when you are an innocent.
[ It feels a little cruel to say Nanami doesn’t understand, because Yuji knows he does. He might not have the same understanding of being a vessel, a tool to destroy Sukuna and nothing more, but he definitely empathises with the things Yuji isn’t saying: feeling like a part in a machine, like his role is one specific thing and that’s how he should live. Yuji can’t say to Nanami that he doesn’t get it, because they’ve suffered losses before. Both of them have lost as much as they’d ever gained in this world, hadn’t they?
It piles up. Grandpa, Junpei, Nanami, Kugisaki, Todo, Inumaki, Fushiguro, Tsumiki, Gojo-sensei, the countless lives lost in Shibuya that he hangs himself on… It doesn’t matter to Yuji what anyone says, what Higuruma-san tells him, this is all his doing. He wishes that he had died after that first mission for real - then Nanami would never have known him. He’d never have to worry about him, be burdened by Yuji’s hurt and his pain. He had wanted to keep the older man happy and peaceful here, but he was selfish.
Selfishly, he wants more time with him. Selfishly, he wants to steal as much of Nanami as he’s allowed and carry it with him. He’d promised, after Shibuya. ‘You’ve got it from here’, ‘I’ll carry your share of suffering’. What were those words worth now? What was the point of it all, if this is how he handled it all? Useless, pathetic creature- that’s how he sees himself. Todo should’ve left him to rot.
He should’ve died months ago. ]
I’m not innocent, Nanamin. The things I’ve done are unforgivable. It’s not fair to say something like that any more, not when I know.
[ He grips at Nanami a little tighter, unable to lift his head and show his face, too filled with self-loathing and disgust. ]
I get it now. I should’ve let them kill me from the start.
[ Nanami lifts a hand as Yuji speaks, placing it in his hair and carding his fingers through it, just stroking him gently and soothingly as he listens to Yuji say such terrible things about himself. He doesn't believe them at all, doesn't agree with him whatsoever, but he knows that won't change how Yuji feels about himself. It'll take a lot more work than anything Nanami can say to make sure Yuji feels anything like his old self.
So, he tries to soothe him. He holds him. He pets his hair. He lets him cry. ]
The actions Sukuna performed while in your body are not your burden to carry, Itadori-kun. You are an innocent. You are not guilty for another's crimes.
[ But he knows Yuji won't believe him, so he just continues to hold him.
[ The touch that would usually be so soothing makes Yuji prickle instead; he hasn't stopped crying just yet, feeling the ache and hurt too deeply, but at least he's managed to settle into light sniffles instead. It's going to take far too long for Yuji to accept things as they are, now that he's let his mind dwell on it - because he's lost too much. How is he meant to muster his soul after this?
(He will. He doesn't have a choice).
Shaking his head, he breathes out a shaky noise; Nanami will keep arguing, even if Yuji disagrees with him. That's how things are, and he can't undo it. When he speaks, though...
When he speaks, Yuji feels another part of him shatter, and he presses even closer, nuzzling into Nanami's chest and wheezing out a sad, mournful noise. It makes him feel as if he's been punched in the gut, and he shivers a little as he tries to find words. ]
I didn't - I didn't want to lose you, either. I wanted to save you, more than anything.
[ His voice breaks a little, in the same way that it had when he had seen his mentor in Shibuya, that echo of the hurt, pained Nanamin hanging in his mind. ]
I missed you so much, Nanamin. I never forgot you, even for a second. Not once. I won't.
[ Part of him knows it was a little cruel to say that, to tell Yuji something neither of them have any control over. Especially when Nanami is not going anywhere and Yuji will eventually have to go back home. He'll carry that with him going forward and Nanami is not sure if he just cursed him again with his words, feeling terrible for a moment that he let himself say it.
But Yuji sobs and presses closer and Nanami responds by holding him tighter, making sure he's that grounding force for Yuji when he feels so shattered right now. He continues to pet his hair, continues to give him what he thinks is comfort, hopes is comfort. ]
I know, but it was my time. Please don't blame yourself for my death. I'm... happier now.
[ His own feelings on his death are complicated. Some days he wakes up and can't get out of bed, the misery of it hitting him too acutely. Others, he feels reenergized and happy to be free from the things he was carrying while he was alive. But he can't let Yuji know that his feelings are mixed, can't burden Yuji with that knowledge.
So, he thinks of the positives. Being at the hotel, finding his peace, refinding his friendship with Gojo, being able to be here for Yuji again, meeting Charlie and their burgeoning relationship. These are all things he's happy about and would never have been able to accomplish if he were still alive. He is happy, in a way he never would have been as a sorcerer. ]
Just... remember me, okay? And live a long life. When it's over, we'll see each other again.
[ The thing is, to Yuji, the words Nanami left him with were never a curse. It was never something that made him feel as though he was burdened - it was the opposite. When Todo had come and shaken him from his sadness and grief and reminded him of what they were, it was Nanami and his words that gave Yuji the strength to fight on. Maybe that's what he should be saying here, confessing to Nanami that he is stronger now, that he keeps getting stronger, but that's not what this moment is about.
Yuji loves him. It's been months since Nanami was taken from them all in Shibuya, Christmas echoing around them as they prepared to fight Sukuna, and Yuji never forgot him. It was something that kept him going, propelled him, despite his failures, despite his losses: Nanami was there, in the back of his mind, as a source of strength and courage for him. How is he meant to express that to him without becoming more of a burden for him?
Yuji doesn't want to be a curse either, even if he's barely human these days. ]
Happier here.
[ He understands.
Yuji would be happier if he died and came here for the rest of his life. If he gave it his all and lost his life, at least he could say he tried. At least he could say it had some meaning. If he was allowed to come here after that and find happiness with Nanami, with Gojo and all his new friends... He can't be blamed for wanting that. But it's all a childish fantasy, because he has to go back eventually. Just like Gojo-sensei; he can't stay here forever.
Shaking his head, he grips Nanami a little tighter - enough to hurt if he isn't careful with his strength. He doesn't want to let go, to admit that he'll have to leave this place again, leave Nanami behind for a second time. He's not strong enough right now. ]
Will you wait for me? If I have to go back... Will you be here when I return too?
[ The hug comes tighter and Nanami knows that Yuji is desperate for the comfort, for the reassurance. That he needs some sort of stability to feel like he's on his own two feet again. So, even with it starting to feel a little too tight, Nanami doesn't push him off or try to loosen the grip. He just pets his hair, holds him tight, makes sure he feels like he has someone to hold onto — that he has Nanami to hold onto.
He wonders slightly if he's enabling Yuji, making him hold onto grief he should let go because of his own inability to let go of Yuji. The question Yuji asks gives him pause because he knows the answer is yes, that he would, that if Yuji needs him to be here he will be here. But he also doesn't want to have Yuji wishing for death just to return to Nanami. Ahhh... what is he supposed to say?
His voice is quiet when he replies, his touch tender as he continues petting Yuji's hair. ]
Itadori-kun. [ A pause. ] ... Yuji.
I cannot promise you anything, but I can tell you my desire is to make sure you're not alone, that I'm here for you. Either here at the hotel or if fate shines upon us, in another life.
Please know I don't intend to leave you. You mean a great deal to me and I want to see you survive and flourish. I want to help you regain your spirit while you're here and see you off eventually with a smile on your face.
[ A squeeze from Nanami then and he sighs, tired. ]
[ If it were a slightly different situation, Yuji would be able to handle things better. He had been able to recover from Shibuya enough to keep fighting; had been able to push beyond the loss of the people he cared about most to keep fighting, had even found the strength to stand up to Sukuna after losing Fushiguro. The problem is that he has too much time to dwell now, feeling as though if he tries to avoid it he will end up with nothing more than an ache in his chest that he can't overcome.
Yuji's soul is unshakable, powerful, something that he can lean back on. But with the knowledge of Gojo-sensei going back to die, and Yuji not being able to warn him, not being strong enough to let him know... There's only so much he can handle before he breaks. In a few days, he'll push the pieces of himself back together, but that's going to take time.
Nanami's words help, as they always do, however, Yuji leaning into the strength of the man in front of him despite how guilty he feels. Nanami should be living in peace, in happiness, not...
... Not having to continue to deal with him. It makes some of his sniffling stop as he tries to push himself together, to stop breaking. He cannot keep burdening Nanami like this. He refuses.
He doesn't break away just yet, though, nodding. ]
Okay.
[ Another sniffle, but quieter, this time, as Yuji tries to reign his emotions in. ]
[ Nanami can't seem to tell how his words land with Yuji lately. The boy bottles up so much that Nanami can only make attempts to soothe him and hope they do what he hopes. He knows it's just Yuji's way of coping, of dealing with the heavy burdens he carries, and so he does not want to push or make Yuji feel like he's burdening Nanami at all by coming to him with this. He's so, so grateful that Yuji would open up to him at all.
He's quiet, petting Yuji's hair and listening to him sniffle for a moment. He wonders if he should remain here, keep Yuji company, or leave him to rest on his own. He thinks the boy needs rest, honestly. He doesn't look like he's been sleeping well. Maybe Nanami can stay until he falls asleep. ]
You're welcome, Itadori-kun. [ . . . ] You should lay down, try and get some rest.
[ Here's the thing: Yuji does not expect Nanami to stay. He does not expect anything other than to be left to curl up in the bed and to cope with his grief all by himself, because that's what he's used to doing these days. When he's been given time to process the hurt and pain he's felt, the only way he has been able to deal with it has been to bury it, to force himself to suffer it and shoulder it until he's able to stand up again.
It feels like the same this time.
Lifting his hand, he rubs at his eyes - red and sore, the crying taking it out of him - before he sighs and gives Nanami an awkward little bow of thanks. ]
[ Nanami is surprised by the dismissal because, well, that wasn't his plan at all. He still plans to stay until Yuji falls asleep but he also worries now that he's be intruding in a way Yuji doesn't want. His mouth pulls into a thin line as he considers it.
Well, he might as well ask, to make sure they're both clear. ]
I was thinking of staying until you fell asleep as I don't want to leave you alone. But if you don't want me to, I can leave now instead.
[ He leaves it open ended from there because he doesn't want to pressure Yuji. It's up to him, if he desires the comfort or not. He just doesn't want him to feel alone in this. ]
[ Yuji... Didn't expect that. He's more accustomed to dealing with this kind of thing alone, because... Well, everyone who would comfort him is long gone, other than Choso, and he's a little overbearing. The idea of Nanami sticking around just to take care of him or make sure he's okay...
It makes his eyes well up again, and he rubs his face furiously. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Oh.
The arms wrap around him and through the mist of pain and grief Yuji feels a sharp burst of safety, of comfort. Even though he knows it’ll get worse before it gets better, right now the only thing that bubbles inside him is thankfulness, a rush of contentment soothing the lava hot edges of his sadness.
Yuji would never have asked Nanami for this before, not dared and never expected it, but the arms feel so solid. Like scaffolds that won’t break, support that won’t crumble. The shudder than runs through him is tears again, but this time…
He sniffles, hiding his face against Nanami and gripping to him. It’s just like their first meeting all over again. ]
Nanamin…
no subject
So, Nanami squeezes him a little tighter and holds him close, letting him hide his face and cry if he wants to. He'll be here to support him through it, be his anchor in the storm if he needs to.
Quietly, with empathy, he asks — ]
Gojo-san died, didn't he?
no subject
He’s only fifteen.
Breathing out, he tries to muster himself as best he can. ]
Right before I came here. Sukuna activated a binding vow and Fushiguro became his vessel. When Gojo-sensei fought Sukuna, he died.
[ The noise that comes next is a subdued wail, a soft, mournful sound. He hasn’t had a moment to grieve, not really. ]
It’s all my fault.
no subject
But then there's more there. A binding vow? Sukuna took over Megumi as his vessel? The pieces fall into place a little more easily then. Sukuna's power combined with the deep understanding he likely has of Megumi's technique, more than Megumi does most likely. That must have been what killed Gojo.
The lack of eye scars too. Megumi arriving at the hotel from a time earlier than Yuji, probably because the hotel knew he couldn't arrive with Sukuna inhabiting his body. It all makes sense now and the tragedy of it is so obvious. He feels so, so bad for Yuji. That much to carry on such a young man's shoulders. ]
It's not your fault. I know in this moment it feels like every one of your decisions have led up to this series of events, that if you did anything differently things might have ended up differently as well. But that is not true.
I'm not trying to say that this was all predetermined or fate or anything like that. I just mean that the blame for this is not on your shoulders. Sukuna was a threat long before you joined our world and until he is gone, he will continue to be a threat. The curse users were also working together to bind Gojo before you arrived as well. Their attack on us was inevitable.
So, listen to me, while this is a tragedy: it is not your fault. If anything, it is our fault for dragging you into our world when you are an innocent.
no subject
It piles up. Grandpa, Junpei, Nanami, Kugisaki, Todo, Inumaki, Fushiguro, Tsumiki, Gojo-sensei, the countless lives lost in Shibuya that he hangs himself on… It doesn’t matter to Yuji what anyone says, what Higuruma-san tells him, this is all his doing. He wishes that he had died after that first mission for real - then Nanami would never have known him. He’d never have to worry about him, be burdened by Yuji’s hurt and his pain. He had wanted to keep the older man happy and peaceful here, but he was selfish.
Selfishly, he wants more time with him. Selfishly, he wants to steal as much of Nanami as he’s allowed and carry it with him. He’d promised, after Shibuya. ‘You’ve got it from here’, ‘I’ll carry your share of suffering’. What were those words worth now? What was the point of it all, if this is how he handled it all? Useless, pathetic creature- that’s how he sees himself. Todo should’ve left him to rot.
He should’ve died months ago. ]
I’m not innocent, Nanamin. The things I’ve done are unforgivable. It’s not fair to say something like that any more, not when I know.
[ He grips at Nanami a little tighter, unable to lift his head and show his face, too filled with self-loathing and disgust. ]
I get it now. I should’ve let them kill me from the start.
no subject
So, he tries to soothe him. He holds him. He pets his hair. He lets him cry. ]
The actions Sukuna performed while in your body are not your burden to carry, Itadori-kun. You are an innocent. You are not guilty for another's crimes.
[ But he knows Yuji won't believe him, so he just continues to hold him.
Quietly, ]
... I don't want you to die.
no subject
(He will. He doesn't have a choice).
Shaking his head, he breathes out a shaky noise; Nanami will keep arguing, even if Yuji disagrees with him. That's how things are, and he can't undo it. When he speaks, though...
When he speaks, Yuji feels another part of him shatter, and he presses even closer, nuzzling into Nanami's chest and wheezing out a sad, mournful noise. It makes him feel as if he's been punched in the gut, and he shivers a little as he tries to find words. ]
I didn't - I didn't want to lose you, either. I wanted to save you, more than anything.
[ His voice breaks a little, in the same way that it had when he had seen his mentor in Shibuya, that echo of the hurt, pained Nanamin hanging in his mind. ]
I missed you so much, Nanamin. I never forgot you, even for a second. Not once. I won't.
no subject
But Yuji sobs and presses closer and Nanami responds by holding him tighter, making sure he's that grounding force for Yuji when he feels so shattered right now. He continues to pet his hair, continues to give him what he thinks is comfort, hopes is comfort. ]
I know, but it was my time. Please don't blame yourself for my death. I'm... happier now.
[ His own feelings on his death are complicated. Some days he wakes up and can't get out of bed, the misery of it hitting him too acutely. Others, he feels reenergized and happy to be free from the things he was carrying while he was alive. But he can't let Yuji know that his feelings are mixed, can't burden Yuji with that knowledge.
So, he thinks of the positives. Being at the hotel, finding his peace, refinding his friendship with Gojo, being able to be here for Yuji again, meeting Charlie and their burgeoning relationship. These are all things he's happy about and would never have been able to accomplish if he were still alive. He is happy, in a way he never would have been as a sorcerer. ]
Just... remember me, okay? And live a long life. When it's over, we'll see each other again.
no subject
Yuji loves him. It's been months since Nanami was taken from them all in Shibuya, Christmas echoing around them as they prepared to fight Sukuna, and Yuji never forgot him. It was something that kept him going, propelled him, despite his failures, despite his losses: Nanami was there, in the back of his mind, as a source of strength and courage for him. How is he meant to express that to him without becoming more of a burden for him?
Yuji doesn't want to be a curse either, even if he's barely human these days. ]
Happier here.
[ He understands.
Yuji would be happier if he died and came here for the rest of his life. If he gave it his all and lost his life, at least he could say he tried. At least he could say it had some meaning. If he was allowed to come here after that and find happiness with Nanami, with Gojo and all his new friends... He can't be blamed for wanting that. But it's all a childish fantasy, because he has to go back eventually. Just like Gojo-sensei; he can't stay here forever.
Shaking his head, he grips Nanami a little tighter - enough to hurt if he isn't careful with his strength. He doesn't want to let go, to admit that he'll have to leave this place again, leave Nanami behind for a second time. He's not strong enough right now. ]
Will you wait for me? If I have to go back... Will you be here when I return too?
[ Maybe it's not fair to ask, but... ]
no subject
He wonders slightly if he's enabling Yuji, making him hold onto grief he should let go because of his own inability to let go of Yuji. The question Yuji asks gives him pause because he knows the answer is yes, that he would, that if Yuji needs him to be here he will be here. But he also doesn't want to have Yuji wishing for death just to return to Nanami. Ahhh... what is he supposed to say?
His voice is quiet when he replies, his touch tender as he continues petting Yuji's hair. ]
Itadori-kun. [ A pause. ] ... Yuji.
I cannot promise you anything, but I can tell you my desire is to make sure you're not alone, that I'm here for you. Either here at the hotel or if fate shines upon us, in another life.
Please know I don't intend to leave you. You mean a great deal to me and I want to see you survive and flourish. I want to help you regain your spirit while you're here and see you off eventually with a smile on your face.
[ A squeeze from Nanami then and he sighs, tired. ]
... Okay?
no subject
Yuji's soul is unshakable, powerful, something that he can lean back on. But with the knowledge of Gojo-sensei going back to die, and Yuji not being able to warn him, not being strong enough to let him know... There's only so much he can handle before he breaks. In a few days, he'll push the pieces of himself back together, but that's going to take time.
Nanami's words help, as they always do, however, Yuji leaning into the strength of the man in front of him despite how guilty he feels. Nanami should be living in peace, in happiness, not...
... Not having to continue to deal with him. It makes some of his sniffling stop as he tries to push himself together, to stop breaking. He cannot keep burdening Nanami like this. He refuses.
He doesn't break away just yet, though, nodding. ]
Okay.
[ Another sniffle, but quieter, this time, as Yuji tries to reign his emotions in. ]
Thank you, Nanamin.
no subject
He's quiet, petting Yuji's hair and listening to him sniffle for a moment. He wonders if he should remain here, keep Yuji company, or leave him to rest on his own. He thinks the boy needs rest, honestly. He doesn't look like he's been sleeping well. Maybe Nanami can stay until he falls asleep. ]
You're welcome, Itadori-kun. [ . . . ] You should lay down, try and get some rest.
no subject
[ Here's the thing: Yuji does not expect Nanami to stay. He does not expect anything other than to be left to curl up in the bed and to cope with his grief all by himself, because that's what he's used to doing these days. When he's been given time to process the hurt and pain he's felt, the only way he has been able to deal with it has been to bury it, to force himself to suffer it and shoulder it until he's able to stand up again.
It feels like the same this time.
Lifting his hand, he rubs at his eyes - red and sore, the crying taking it out of him - before he sighs and gives Nanami an awkward little bow of thanks. ]
Thank you for coming to see me.
[ As if it's a dismissal! ]
no subject
Well, he might as well ask, to make sure they're both clear. ]
I was thinking of staying until you fell asleep as I don't want to leave you alone. But if you don't want me to, I can leave now instead.
[ He leaves it open ended from there because he doesn't want to pressure Yuji. It's up to him, if he desires the comfort or not. He just doesn't want him to feel alone in this. ]
no subject
[ Yuji... Didn't expect that. He's more accustomed to dealing with this kind of thing alone, because... Well, everyone who would comfort him is long gone, other than Choso, and he's a little overbearing. The idea of Nanami sticking around just to take care of him or make sure he's okay...
It makes his eyes well up again, and he rubs his face furiously. ]
... Yeah, you can stay.