[ It's not as though he had any other pretense for contacting Nanami today. They need to talk, so even if the urge to reply with something bratty remains... ]
[ Nanami tries to think of a place — the cafe, the lounge, somewhere else? But it all seems too public for this conversation so instead he resigns himself. ]
[ His room, then. That's for the best, but the flat-out acknowledgement that this isn't a conversation that Nanami is willing to having in public makes his skin run cold. The cloying sensation of betrayal claws at his throat, because it has happened before — the world being pulled out from under his feet, by one of those dearest to him.
— He's getting ahead of himself. He has to be. Yet his mind and nerves are both buzzing by the time Gojo takes the short trip to teleport to Nanami's door, rapping his knuckles urgently against it while his heart hammers against his ribs, and he waits.
Briefly, he closes his eyes, and he can see Yuji's scarred, tearstained face there. The utter absence of Sukuna. The sound of his voice as he apologized, over and over, for something that Gojo can't even begin to piece together, and would not ask his student about.
So it falls to Nanami instead. It's not what either of them want, but it falls to Nanami instead. ]
[ This is going to be a hard conversation because Nanami will have to admit, once again, his selfishness. His cowardice. And he's going to have to do it to someone he cares for and values the opinion of. The idea of seeing betrayal and hurt on Gojo's face is enough to make him feel nauseous and he doesn't feel the least bit prepared for this.
So, when he hears the knock to his door, his heart sinks and he tries to remember how to take a breath.
He'll move to answer the door and the first thing to notice is he's not in his usual suit. He's in a simple cardigan and sweatpants, lounging clothes more than anything. He was clearly not prepared to have this conversation right now.
He'll let Gojo into his room, which is more of a small beach house on the interior. The entrance leads to the living room and kitchen area, past that a little patio with some beach chairs and a hammock leading off to a small pool. The weather and time of day reflect the rest of the beach floor outside past Nanami's door.
When Gojo is inside, Nanami is quiet for a moment before he just asks — ]
Do you want some tea or do you want to get right into it?
[ Were the circumstances difference, he'd love to just...sit here and relax and take tea with Nanami. He has the ideal suite for relaxing, and it suits someone like him, who always needed to take far more time for himself than he allowed himself to. That's true for any sorcerer, but it seems especially true in Nanami's case, after he had the chance to leave the life of a sorcerer behind forever and chose to return instead. Accepted that burden back on his shoulders, even knowing what would await him. What awaits all of them.
Maybe that's a reminder that Gojo needs right now. That whatever responsibility they bear, Nanami is still only human, not a machine. He can only control his emotions so much.
That goes for Gojo, too. His hands are in his pockets as he steps inside, and as Nanami offers him tea, his fingernails bite into his palms, forming into fists. ]
You know I'm not the patient type. [ His stomach is too tied up in knots for tea, anyway. ] So, don't keep me waiting. Do you know what happened to Itadori?
[ If Yuji met Gojo in a similar state to how he met Nanami, Namami can only envision tears, stress, a near on panic attack. The boy was a wreck and Nanami doesn't know why. But he can make some guesses, more than Gojo can, and the answer only makes him sick to his stomach. He wishes so desperately then that what he told Gojo was the truth. He had hoped it was, that whatever happened after his death was what he thought — Yuji killing Mahito, the sorcerers rescuing Gojo, the world returning to normal. That isn't the case, clearly.
Nanami leans against the kitchen counter, folding his arms over his chest and gives a sigh. Gojo needs an answer and all Nanami can tell him is the truth. His gaze fixes to the floor for a long moment before he finally speaks. ]
I... don't. [ Looking back up at Gojo, he continues before he can get the ire of the man. ] Not entirely. He didn't tell me much of what happened after we last saw each other, I think he's from further in the future than that night in Shibuya but he said he wasn't ready to talk about it. I didn't press him on that.
[ But then the obvious question is — what does Nanami know then? Because clearly he knows more than he initially told Gojo. It all doesn't make sense unless Nanami confesses the truth. There's one missing piece of information here and Nanami knows what it is. He just... doesn't want to talk about it.
Part of him is tempted to figure out a way to avoid confessing the truth again. But that's his cowardice speaking and he staunchly refuses to give in to it again. ]
I lied to you, Gojo-san. About what happened in Shibuya and why I'm here at the hotel. The truth is I don't know how things ended in Shibuya, I don't know if they recovered the prison realm from Kenjaku. I don't know anything past a certain point because...
[ He pauses. He doesn't want to say it. He really, really does not want to say it. But it has to be done, he has to rip the band-aid off. He takes a breath, he looks straight at Gojo, and he says it. ]
Because I died. Itadori saw it happen. Mahito, the patchwork curse, killed me. I cannot leave the hotel because there is nowhere for me to go now, unless I want to pass on to the afterlife. Whatever Itadori has seen, the trauma he's gone through, I only know part of it. I am part of it. When we talked, he blamed himself for my death but it's not true. The only person who can be blamed for my death is myself.
[ Nanami stands up straight then, arms at his side as he faces Gojo and then, a moment later, he is bowing to him. ]
I am sorry, Gojo-san. For lying to you. For failing you. For failing Itadori.
[ Nanami has never bowed like this to Gojo before. Never. ]
[ He had tried to piece it together on his own. Of course he had — as soon as he had met up with Yuji, as soon as he had realized there seemed to be a discrepancy between reality and what Nanami had told him, he factored in what he knew — which was little — and tried to make sense of it. He had even considered an outcome like this, where Shibuya had gone much worse than Nanami had led him to believe, where whatever the special grades with Kenjaku — the one who wears Suguru's skin, he realizes — had succeeded in whatever they needed him sealed to do in the first place. But even in that possible eventuality, he never floated this as a possibility, and if anyone but the man himself had told him, he would have laughed them into next week.
Because Nanami always comes back. He's the who you can always count on, the one Gojo trusts more than any other. Nanami is always there, no matter what.
So what does he mean, he...he died?
...It's happening again, his footing swept out from under him once again, even as he digs in his heels, refuses to accept what he's hearing. ]
That's not — you can't be —
[ Nanami is always there, no matter what. When Haibara was killed, when Suguru defected, when Shoko scarcely gets to do anything but her work...even though he left, Nanami came back. And there the same man before him now, offering him a bow in apology, in deference that Gojo has never seen from his before. It makes his stomach twist and lurch, his ears ringing, a cold sweat sweeping over him from head to toe, as his protests die on his lips. This is real. There is no room for doubt.
A strangled sound lodges itself in his throat, as he finds himself frozen in place, in time for the moment, and oh, doesn't that remind him. It's ironic, really, that Nanami is so quick to blame himself, for not being strong enough, for dying at the hands of a special grade, when none of them would have been in that position in the first place, if he hadn't been sealed. If he hadn't failed, when he should have been the first and last line of defense. Nanami's blood is on his hands. Yuji's suffering is on his hands.
...He doesn't stay frozen in place for long, as much as he doesn't want to accept it, doesn't want to move past this moment, as if as soon as he does, it will be real, and there's no going back. But he wouldn't want to go back to ignorance, even if he could. Maybe he should be outraged, maybe he should deny it or rebuke him, but none of that feels...right. Maybe it's how he would have reacted, a few short months ago, when he first arrived, but he isn't the same man he was then. He doesn't carry the same heart he did then. ]
Y-you idiot... [ How often does he get to say that to Nanami, rather than the reverse? Stepping forward, Gojo closes the distance between them, winding his arms around Nanami's shoulders and pulling him against him in a rough embrace. His voice, too, has gone rough with emotion, held together through sheer force of will. ] Bastard. Don't you dare apologize for that.
[ Even knowing full well, were their positions reversed, he would do the same. ]
[ Nanami truthfully does not know what he expects Gojo's response to be to his admission. He is expecting anger, for lying to him, for failing him. He is expecting dismissal, because Gojo doesn't do heavy emotions and what is one of the heaviest but grief? He wouldn't be surprised if Gojo just... left. Didn't talk about it to him again. His death is not the point here, after all. His failure is. Nanami just truly does not know what to expect.
So when Gojo does the exact opposite of all things Nanami expects — when he moves forward and hugs Nanami, Nanami does not know what to do. He is frozen for a moment, arms at his side, staring in shock at the wall past them instead. What is this? What is this?
But then something kind of... cracks in him at that. Gojo, his beloved senpai, his oldest friend, is hugging him and calling him an idiot and telling him not to apologize and — and he is so very lucky that he was able to tell Gojo the truth. In another life, he died and Gojo was unsealed and found out that way. They never were afforded a proper goodbye, because that is the life of a sorcerer and that is what they are doomed to.
Tentatively, Nanami's arms come up and his hands clutch at the back of Gojo's shirt. His chin drops against his shoulder and his breath comes out a little shaky as he, yet again, apologizes for what is outside his control. He feels a little like a teenager again, emotions unmoored and control slipping through his fingers. ]
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
[ His voice cracks at the end there and he closes his eyes, trying not to let the stinging sensation take over. He accepted his death, he made peace with it, he was fine with dying and yet in this moment, he can't help but think —
I don't want to die. He wants to go to Kuantan. He wants to grow old. He wants to get married. He wants to see Gojo best those old fools at the school. He wants to see the man Itadori will become. He doesn't want to leave them. He doesn't want to leave them.
[ Not so long ago, any of those outcomes that Nanami anticipates would have been more than likely, but the value of the time that he's spent at this hotel has been immeasurable, in ways he often doesn't realize, until they are put to the test. Like it is now, when a dear friend is in need, showing a sort of emotional vulnerability they can rarely afford. Now, it's near unthinkable that Gojo would brush this off as anything less than the grave truth that it is. Nanami...died. Nanami died, and Gojo wasn't there to do anything about it.
He exhales softly, quietly, his fingers gripping the fabric of Nanami's cardigan tight. ]
...Yeah. I'm sorry, too.
[ It's just as he always tells his students. Sorcerers never die without regrets. They never die without unfinished business, without words unsaid, promises unmade. Nanami knows this, too; they accept it as a part of what's asked of them. Yet even so, with whatever reached out to his spirit after death, he...chose to come here. In spite of those regrets, he chose to seize a little more life, for however long he chooses to, however long he can. He made a choice for himself, and nothing makes his senpai prouder than that. ]
I'm really glad you're here, Nanami.
[ He'd been glad before, even if he hadn't expressed it in quite so many words, because for all the wonderful connections he's made since arriving, no one quite understands the demands of being a sorcerer like a sorcerer themselves. Now he knows they have to cherish their time together all the more, that this is the only place their friendship still bears both halves. They won't...have the chance to again back home.
...If Gojo even gets unsealed this century, but that's something he can worry about later. ]
...Guess I better get my ass out of that box, huh.
[ It takes a moment for Nanami to recover because this was truly the first time he faced the concept of his death since he arrived. Of course, he ruminated on it when he was alone and talked briefly to Yuji about it but his conversation with Yuji was more about his feelings than Nanami's. Nanami could not burden the boy with his own existential thoughts on his mortality, of course not.
For a moment, he presses his face into Gojo's shoulder and just holds the other man tightly, trying to put all the feelings he's been holding back in the box they belong. It's true, there is no way to die without regrets. They know this. It's something you learn the moment you come into jujutsu society. Gojo's known this since he was born. Nanami's known this since he was a teenager. Part of Nanami wonders if it would've been easier if he just never came to the hotel and had to deal with the after.
But he's also glad he had this chance to be here, to see his friend one last time, to see his protege one last time. Even if this ends in nothing more than heartache and Nanami having to be alone in the end, he's glad he chose to come to the hotel. It's true — he just wanted a little bit more time, a little bit more life.
Gojo says he's glad that Nanami is here and the last bit of tension drops from Nanami's shoulders. Now it's all out there, the truth, and Nanami is hiding nothing else from Gojo. There is a relief in him that hasn't been there since the moment he chose to lie to Gojo when he first arrived. The ache of knowing he was hiding something from him this whole time lingered at the back of his mind and now it's gone, now he feels free.
At the last part, that's when Nanami pulls away from the hug and looks at Gojo with concern etched upon his features. He knows he was pushing for Gojo to go back before but now he's worried, neither of them know how long Gojo will end up being sealed and considering Yuji's state of mind when he arrived — it doesn't look like Gojo was able to return just yet. If he had, maybe things would've been better for whatever is happening to Yuji outside of the hotel.
But instead of a don't, instead of a you have to, or what if you don't come back? — Nanami asks, ]
[ They both know what a futile effort it is to try to talk Gojo out of something once his mind is made up, and deep, deep down…he knows it already is. The writing has been on the wall ever since the day he arrived, and a hotel is not a home. It’s just that — a place to stay away from home, not a permanent residence. That’s true for Nanami, and it’s true for himself. Everything he’s had here, everything relationship he’s forged and founded…
He doesn’t want to say they’ve been destined to end. Can’t say it, after the promises he’s made. But…even if he can eventually come back, there are things that only he can do, and he sure as hell can’t do them while he’s lingering here. It’ll eat at him, knowing what he knows now, especially. He…has to go back. Soon. He has to make sure that Nanami’s death wasn’t in vain. That whatever or whoever it was that did this to Yuji pays recompense. There will be a reckoning.
…Yet that’s only when he’s unsealed. ]
…Wish I could tell you. [ A harsh sigh spills from his lips. ] I couldn’t even tell you how much time has already passed while I’ve been in there. Could’ve been minutes, or years.It’s all…jumbled.
[ His mouth thins into a hard line. ]
But it doesn’t matter how long it takes. Either I’ll find a way out, or the others will. The special grades only sealed me because they knew they couldn’t kill me. I’m overdue to remind them why that is.
[ He always takes so much pleasure in jujutsu, in decimating his foes, but it will be a rare kind of privilege to tear apart the ones who sealed him. The one who stole Suguru’s body and paraded around in his skin.
[ There is... some reassurance there in Nanami when he hears Gojo speak with confidence of being able to defeat their enemies, to tear them asunder. Gojo is the strongest sorcerer of their time and it gives Nanami a sick satisfaction to think of him being unsealed and hurting those who have hurt them while he was sealed away. It would've been nice if Gojo tore apart Mahito himself, he thinks, but he's just glad the curse is gone in general.
Nanami also briefly wonders if Gojo will come back. He — He will though, he has to. With Yuji here. With the ties Gojo has made here. With... Nanami still here and not going anywhere. He hopes he comes back, and with news. With good news. They could use it, considering the state of things. ]
You are. There's no way Itadori and the others would rest until they figured out a way to unseal you. It must be difficult for them. [ Considering the state of Yuji, he's sure it is. ] Your return will give them hope they clearly need.
[ He's quiet for a moment, considering. He feels lighter now than he has in weeks and is eager to know what's going on back home now, eager to see Gojo return and give the curses hell for what they've done to Yuji and the others. But he doesn't want to push either, knows he's just... a bystander now. ]
Tell me when you plan to leave. I'll keep watch over Itadori while you're gone.
[ After a moment, he nods, a certain sort of weight to it that has been absent for awhile now. It's not to say that he ever really forgot the burden of his responsibility while staying here, but it had grown easier to set aside, when there hadn't really been any reason for him to be The Strongest here. Was that irresponsible and selfish of him? Yeah, probably, but now he knows what he needs to do.
He's always known, his entire stay here was just...delaying the inevitable, really. ]
...I'll need a little time to settle affairs here. [ He won't leave Itadori behind so soon after being reunited with him, after Itadori fell to pieces against him like he had. He also has his other friends to consider, and Sumina...she's always known it would come to this, too, but that doesn't make it any easier.
It's better if he just focuses on the eventually outcome, instead. After he goes and deals with the curses, after he rips that impostor free of Suguru's body and sets things right, he can come back. He will come back.
Who else is going to deliver the news to Nanami? It has to be him. ]
I know you will. I get the feeling he might try to stop me if I leave, so...he'll need you more than ever.
[ It feels like this conversation is coming to an end and that's a good thing. The air is lighter between them, there's no more secrets, and there's a better understanding of where they both are. This makes Nanami feel reassured. So, he nods when Gojo says he needs some time and he immediately knows why. He's not sure if Itadori could handle being separated so soon from either one of them. ]
I'll be there for him. Make sure he feels supported.
[ A pause and he's not really one to ask about this sort of thing, already feels awkward even considering it but... ]
What will you tell Sumina-san?
[ He's not oblivious, after all. Especially after their lunch together. He knows the two are together in some capacity. Which is an interesting thing, considering what he knows of Gojo's relationship history (or lack thereof). Still, he wants to make sure Gojo feels like he can talk to someone about it even if Nanami isn't sure he's the right person for this either. ]
[ The question catches him off-guard, though after a moment, he realizes it shouldn't be all that surprising. Nanami has always been far more perceptive than he lets on, far more empathetic and thoughtful, so that he had intuited the true nature of his relationship with Sumina is no surprising. Hell, even if he hadn't put together that they were involved, it's apparent that they care about each other a lot. He has other friends here he'll need to stay farewell to, but none of them will be impacted as much as Sumina will.
He presses his lips together before blowing a thin sigh out between them. ]
...She's always known I'd have to go back someday, too. [ But like him, she likely wouldn't have expected it so soon, so suddenly. It's better this way, though, he thinks. His unfinished business has been a roadblock in so many ways in his life, and if he goes back to finish it...it'd be better, in the long run. ] She'll understand.
[ A beat, his gaze finding some idle corner of the room, before he adds: ]
She's a lot like you, you know. She'll work herself to death before reflecting on her own needs.
[ In the midday hours of Valentine's Day, a little package is left outside of Nanami's hotel room. It's wrapped up in pink decorative ribbons and wrapping, and has a little tiger shaped note with Yuji's handwriting.
Dear Nanamin
Happy Valentine's Day! I've heard from some people that you seem happy here, so I hope that keeps happening. I'm glad to be able to see you again and spend more time with you. Enjoy the chocolate and don't share it with anyone!
- Yuji
There are a handful of small chocolates, in non-traditional shapes, if only because Yuji thought it would be weird to give Nanami heart shaped chocolates from a student. ]
Thank you for the chocolates, Itadori-kun. I've left you something at your room as well.
[ And Yuji will find a box with one large handmade chocolate in it, shaped like a tiger face. It's a little messy and clearly not made by someone with the most talent, but it's recognizable enough. There is a note:
Happy Valentine's Day. I am glad you are here.
- Nanami
Looks like he did take up Giselle's offer on learning how to make some chocolates. ]
[ Left outside Nanami’s door is a little plushie, clearly from the lantern festival, with a little printed out photo. It’s Yuji, dressed back up in the super fancy kimono the hotel had given him, holding his lit lantern - and the side of the lantern in the photo is decorated with pictures of Nanami’s sword and Yuji’s interpretation of his critical hit line.
It’s not great artwork, but it’s definitely cute.
A message is left for him, attached to the plushie: Gojo-sensei said you’d like to see it! I hope your wishes all come true here, Nanamin. I’m glad I get to spend more time with you. - Yuji Itadori.
As if he needed to sign his full name, given how obviously from him the gift is. ]
[ Oh. This is... cute. This is very cute. He's going to bring the plushie and the photo inside and find a place to display them.
So yes, now anytime someone comes to Nanami's room, they will see a little stuffed plushie sitting on his bookshelf, with the picture of Yuji leaning against it. Like a proud papa. ]
[ He knew it was coming and so he's been prepared for this message ever since their conversation in Nanami's room. So his response is equally straight to the point. ]
[ ...There's a lot he could ask for. Wants to ask for, really. None if this is simple, is it? That's what happens when he starts to live his own life for himself. ]
just take care of each other okay?
[ All of them. He doesn't feel the need to specify — Nanami already knows. ]
[ He couldn't say this is the request he expected but after receiving it, he isn't surprised. Gojo cares a great deal for his students and he also knows he's including Sumina in it after their conversation from before. Those three are who Nanami would consider the people Gojo cares for the most in this hotel and so, that's who he counts.
He understands. They'll take care of each other while he's gone. And Gojo will definitely return. ]
[ He doesn't have to worry, Nanami reassures him, but he wouldn't have anyway. Nanami is the most reliable person Gojo knows. The one he trusts the most. He could ask this of no one else. ]
don't i always?
[ crit fail that will age poorly ]
i'll be back before you know it let the others take care of you too
[ Nanami feels mildly reassured by Gojo's confidence. He wants him to win. He needs him to win, in order to feel like things haven't spiraled too far out of their control. But he doesn't know what's going to happen when Gojo returns so he braces himself for all options. ]
[ He feels like he should say more than that, but...what else is there to say? All that's left to do now is to act, and he's always been better at that than heart to hearts, anyway. Whatever outcome he faces...he will be back. It's thanks to Nanami's own confession that he realizes he can come back, no matter what. ]
i'll see you soon then be ready to shower me with confetti :3
[ There's a wry look at his phone at the typical Gojo response and some relief as well because. Yeah. That's their dynamic, they don't need to get more emotional than this.
Which is why Nanami's reply is a curt: ]
Absolutely not.
[ Because he wouldn't want to act like he cares or anything. ]
... Nanami has to pause for a moment as the reality of what he feared since the moment Yuji texted him comes to pass. Does that mean Gojo died? Gojo? He wouldn't, he couldn't, it's not possible.
But... but Nanami is also a realist, pragmatic, and deeply cynical. Gojo is the Strongest but if he's dead, it means he was killed by Sukuna. The only person who could come close to killing Gojo, and if Sukuna killed him that means Yuji killed him. No wonder the boy was so broken up when he arrived. No wonder his attitude about himself has tanked so completely. Briefly, Nanami wonders about the lack of eye scars on Yuji's face. Sukuna is not here with them, Yuji is just a boy again, but what else could that mean?
Nanami takes a breath and tries not to panic. He can't fix what's happened at home. But he can help Yuji right now, here.
So, he's quiet for a long moment before he finally replies: ]
Itadori-kun, if you died, I would be devastated.
[ Nanami is dead. He's not going back. He can share sentiment like that now, he doesn't need to be the pragmatic realist he always is. He needs to be the caring mentor. He needs Yuji to realize he matters.
He's not the vessel for Sukuna. He's Itadori Yuji, his precious mentee. ]
[ If this was the Yuji Itadori of a few months ago, those words would've given him a burst of joy, a happiness so undeniable that it made him feel as if he could take on the world. Now... Now it just makes him feel worse, nauseated from the weight of the grief that he is causing, the suffering that he has brought to this bright, peaceful world. Nanami and Gojo-sensei were so content here before he had arrived - he'd thought the same when he had talked to Sumina-san.
They'd been at peace, relaxing, finding their happiness. His arrival had brought nothing but pain and heartache, and he keeps going it. He has to put his phone down because his hands are shaking so badly, not able to muster up the strength to reply. It doesn't register to him that Nanami would be worried, that he would be concerned, that any of this might cause problems - he's too lost in his own sadness, the hurt of it all catching up to him. He turns, burrowing into the pillows of his bed, and he just cries.
If he died, Nanamin would be devastated. Yuji doesn't know how to handle that, doesn't know how to process it when he wishes, so desperately, that he had died. In the long run, wouldn't all their lives have been better if Yuji had died when he first ate Sukuna's finger? There would have been no Shibuya, Nanami and Kugisaki would have lived, Gojo-sensei would've survived, Fushiguro would have freedom. It's all his fault, and the spiralling of his thoughts has it all crashing down on him.
For so long, he had something to focus on - he had the Culling Game, and then he had fighting Sukuna, supporting Gojo-sensei - and now he has nothing but the time to dwell and let himself sink further and further into his own despair. He is unshakable, this won't break him forever, but he also knows that this was a long time coming. He can barely breathe with it, his hurt and his ache making him want to never leave the hotel room again. If he stays, he won't have to face them - their hurt, their pity, their frustration, their irritation with him, for lying, for hiding this, for not being strong enough.
He's never strong enough. He couldn't even kill Mahito. What is the point of his existence, beyond being a part in the stupid machine of sorcery? He had the belief, once, that he could be a sorcerer, could be something good for this world, and in the end...
What has he done with his life, to make it worth saving?
It's a long, long time between Nanami's text and Yuji's reply as he tries to wrest himself back into control. It takes too many minutes, and he is sure that Nanami will be getting worried by now. The messages come, one after the other, in a little rush of heartache. ]
im sorry nanamin i understand i felt that way when you yeah
[ Nanami is worried, the longer he goes without hearing from Yuji. But he has a feeling, just his own intuition, that Yuji needs some time to recover after the message Nanami just sent him. So, he waits. He sits on his porch and watches the sun disappear behind the clouds and holds his phone in his hand, patient.
Gojo is dead. The reality sinks into him as he waits for Yuji's reply. He wonders if Gojo will return after he died or before it. Will this be another lie Nanami will have to hold back from him now that Yuji has shared the truth with him? He doesn't want to carry this burden, but there's nothing to be done. He wishes for a moment that Gojo was here, so he could talk to him, figure out what to do about Yuji together. Figure out what to do about their deaths now that they're both no longer able to go back home. But that's putting the cart before the horse and so he shakes his head and dismisses the thought.
By the time he's finished getting caught up in what ifs, Yuji finally replies and he opens his phone to read the messages, a frown pulling across his face. ]
I know you are carrying deep pain right now, Itadori-kun, and I cannot promise it gets better. But death is not the alternative, no matter how much loss you are carrying. You can only keep moving forward.
[ Nanami's message comes, and he knows it. Of course, he knows, that he has to keep fighting, but that isn't the point of all of this. He just wants to stop... Feeling like this. Like the failure, like he keeps making everything go wrong, like the suffering he is going through is something he deserves. If he explained to Nanami all the things that had happened since his death in Shibuya...
Nanami's death, twinned with Kugisaki's, had been enough to break him. Without Todo's intervention, he would never have made it out alive. Maybe that, too, would've been better.
Sniffling, he groans into the pillow, trying to find the right words to ease Nanami's concerns while being honest enough to satisfy him. ]
[ It's difficult, isn't it? It feels almost as if he's saying all the wrong things, but he knows that's not the case as well. He knows that Yuji is just in a pit and even if Nanami climbed down into it with him and tried to pull him out, it wouldn't work. Yuji needs to climb out of it himself. Nanami sighs, rubbing his face slightly and feeling hollow for a moment.
He wishes he could just fix this, but he knows it's not in his power. He can only be there to support Yuji the best he can. ]
It's okay if you are not. You don't have to be okay, you know.
[ If he breaks down now, Fushiguro will know that things are worse than he might already be picturing. For him to find out about Gojo-sensei, for him to find out about his sister... It would break him. Yuji had seen it. His heart hurts, and he feels like he's being crushed by a solid, real life weight. ]
[ So Megumi is not from as far in the future as Yuji is. That's... interesting. He wonders why the hotel would do that? But there's no explanation that's going to come to him right now, he doesn't have nearly enough information.
For now, he tries to comfort Yuji instead. ]
Feel it for today. Don't bottle it up. Then, tomorrow's a new day.
[ He feels guilty, knowing that he’s made Nanami feel bad, but there’s no taking it back now. All he can do is breathe in and out, trying not to break completely. He has to be strong.
[ Nanami doesn't take long to get there. About ten or so minutes later, Yuji will get a knock on his door. On the other side, there is Nanami. He's dressed down in a sweater and a pair of slacks, but his hair is still in its usual part and he's wearing his sunglasses.
He'll be scrutinizing Yuji carefully when he answers, wanting to know just what's going on in that brain of his. ]
[ The Yuji that answers the door isn’t the bright, enthusiastic teenager that Nanami might be used to. He looks tired, pale skin making his scars all the more obvious, his heart in his throat as he looks up at the man in front of him. It makes his face crumple a little, but he holds himself together enough to invite Nanami in without cracking.
He can’t let Fushiguro see yet, after all.
Once they’re inside, he stands awkwardly in the room. His bed is a mess, the duvet wrapped up in a way that suggests a blanket fort of some kind, and Yuji sniffles. ]
[ Well, he's not going to just let Yuji suffer. When they're alone, when he's able to get a good assessment of the state of Yuji's room and Yuji himself, he nods to himself. He knows what to do and he makes to do it.
So, he's going to tug Yuji closer into a hug, arms going around his shoulders and hugging him to his chest. He'll drop his chin into his hair and just hold him for a little while, since it's clear this is what Yuji needs as well. ]
The arms wrap around him and through the mist of pain and grief Yuji feels a sharp burst of safety, of comfort. Even though he knows it’ll get worse before it gets better, right now the only thing that bubbles inside him is thankfulness, a rush of contentment soothing the lava hot edges of his sadness.
Yuji would never have asked Nanami for this before, not dared and never expected it, but the arms feel so solid. Like scaffolds that won’t break, support that won’t crumble. The shudder than runs through him is tears again, but this time…
He sniffles, hiding his face against Nanami and gripping to him. It’s just like their first meeting all over again. ]
[ There is such relief in him when he feels Yuji begin to shake, begin to cry, not because he wants Yuji to cry but because he wants Yuji to feel. He wants him to deal with the emotions running through him and not bottle them up and try to pretend for Nanami or whoever else that he's okay. Because he's so very clearly not okay. And that is okay.
So, Nanami squeezes him a little tighter and holds him close, letting him hide his face and cry if he wants to. He'll be here to support him through it, be his anchor in the storm if he needs to.
[ Yuji nods into Nanami’s chest, hiccuping quietly with his tears, the soft sobs rolling through him. He thought he could handle it better, but… It’s too much. All of it.
He’s only fifteen.
Breathing out, he tries to muster himself as best he can. ]
Right before I came here. Sukuna activated a binding vow and Fushiguro became his vessel. When Gojo-sensei fought Sukuna, he died.
[ The noise that comes next is a subdued wail, a soft, mournful sound. He hasn’t had a moment to grieve, not really. ]
[ He's only fifteen and he has been through so, so much. Nanami's eyes close at the admission that Gojo is dead, that he's gone, and that he's going to come back and be in the same situation Nanami is in. He doesn't know what they're going to do, when there's just so much left unattended to. Weren't they supposed to be the adults?
But then there's more there. A binding vow? Sukuna took over Megumi as his vessel? The pieces fall into place a little more easily then. Sukuna's power combined with the deep understanding he likely has of Megumi's technique, more than Megumi does most likely. That must have been what killed Gojo.
The lack of eye scars too. Megumi arriving at the hotel from a time earlier than Yuji, probably because the hotel knew he couldn't arrive with Sukuna inhabiting his body. It all makes sense now and the tragedy of it is so obvious. He feels so, so bad for Yuji. That much to carry on such a young man's shoulders. ]
It's not your fault. I know in this moment it feels like every one of your decisions have led up to this series of events, that if you did anything differently things might have ended up differently as well. But that is not true.
I'm not trying to say that this was all predetermined or fate or anything like that. I just mean that the blame for this is not on your shoulders. Sukuna was a threat long before you joined our world and until he is gone, he will continue to be a threat. The curse users were also working together to bind Gojo before you arrived as well. Their attack on us was inevitable.
So, listen to me, while this is a tragedy: it is not your fault. If anything, it is our fault for dragging you into our world when you are an innocent.
[ It feels a little cruel to say Nanami doesn’t understand, because Yuji knows he does. He might not have the same understanding of being a vessel, a tool to destroy Sukuna and nothing more, but he definitely empathises with the things Yuji isn’t saying: feeling like a part in a machine, like his role is one specific thing and that’s how he should live. Yuji can’t say to Nanami that he doesn’t get it, because they’ve suffered losses before. Both of them have lost as much as they’d ever gained in this world, hadn’t they?
It piles up. Grandpa, Junpei, Nanami, Kugisaki, Todo, Inumaki, Fushiguro, Tsumiki, Gojo-sensei, the countless lives lost in Shibuya that he hangs himself on… It doesn’t matter to Yuji what anyone says, what Higuruma-san tells him, this is all his doing. He wishes that he had died after that first mission for real - then Nanami would never have known him. He’d never have to worry about him, be burdened by Yuji’s hurt and his pain. He had wanted to keep the older man happy and peaceful here, but he was selfish.
Selfishly, he wants more time with him. Selfishly, he wants to steal as much of Nanami as he’s allowed and carry it with him. He’d promised, after Shibuya. ‘You’ve got it from here’, ‘I’ll carry your share of suffering’. What were those words worth now? What was the point of it all, if this is how he handled it all? Useless, pathetic creature- that’s how he sees himself. Todo should’ve left him to rot.
He should’ve died months ago. ]
I’m not innocent, Nanamin. The things I’ve done are unforgivable. It’s not fair to say something like that any more, not when I know.
[ He grips at Nanami a little tighter, unable to lift his head and show his face, too filled with self-loathing and disgust. ]
I get it now. I should’ve let them kill me from the start.
[ Nanami lifts a hand as Yuji speaks, placing it in his hair and carding his fingers through it, just stroking him gently and soothingly as he listens to Yuji say such terrible things about himself. He doesn't believe them at all, doesn't agree with him whatsoever, but he knows that won't change how Yuji feels about himself. It'll take a lot more work than anything Nanami can say to make sure Yuji feels anything like his old self.
So, he tries to soothe him. He holds him. He pets his hair. He lets him cry. ]
The actions Sukuna performed while in your body are not your burden to carry, Itadori-kun. You are an innocent. You are not guilty for another's crimes.
[ But he knows Yuji won't believe him, so he just continues to hold him.
[ The touch that would usually be so soothing makes Yuji prickle instead; he hasn't stopped crying just yet, feeling the ache and hurt too deeply, but at least he's managed to settle into light sniffles instead. It's going to take far too long for Yuji to accept things as they are, now that he's let his mind dwell on it - because he's lost too much. How is he meant to muster his soul after this?
(He will. He doesn't have a choice).
Shaking his head, he breathes out a shaky noise; Nanami will keep arguing, even if Yuji disagrees with him. That's how things are, and he can't undo it. When he speaks, though...
When he speaks, Yuji feels another part of him shatter, and he presses even closer, nuzzling into Nanami's chest and wheezing out a sad, mournful noise. It makes him feel as if he's been punched in the gut, and he shivers a little as he tries to find words. ]
I didn't - I didn't want to lose you, either. I wanted to save you, more than anything.
[ His voice breaks a little, in the same way that it had when he had seen his mentor in Shibuya, that echo of the hurt, pained Nanamin hanging in his mind. ]
I missed you so much, Nanamin. I never forgot you, even for a second. Not once. I won't.
[ Part of him knows it was a little cruel to say that, to tell Yuji something neither of them have any control over. Especially when Nanami is not going anywhere and Yuji will eventually have to go back home. He'll carry that with him going forward and Nanami is not sure if he just cursed him again with his words, feeling terrible for a moment that he let himself say it.
But Yuji sobs and presses closer and Nanami responds by holding him tighter, making sure he's that grounding force for Yuji when he feels so shattered right now. He continues to pet his hair, continues to give him what he thinks is comfort, hopes is comfort. ]
I know, but it was my time. Please don't blame yourself for my death. I'm... happier now.
[ His own feelings on his death are complicated. Some days he wakes up and can't get out of bed, the misery of it hitting him too acutely. Others, he feels reenergized and happy to be free from the things he was carrying while he was alive. But he can't let Yuji know that his feelings are mixed, can't burden Yuji with that knowledge.
So, he thinks of the positives. Being at the hotel, finding his peace, refinding his friendship with Gojo, being able to be here for Yuji again, meeting Charlie and their burgeoning relationship. These are all things he's happy about and would never have been able to accomplish if he were still alive. He is happy, in a way he never would have been as a sorcerer. ]
Just... remember me, okay? And live a long life. When it's over, we'll see each other again.
[ The thing is, to Yuji, the words Nanami left him with were never a curse. It was never something that made him feel as though he was burdened - it was the opposite. When Todo had come and shaken him from his sadness and grief and reminded him of what they were, it was Nanami and his words that gave Yuji the strength to fight on. Maybe that's what he should be saying here, confessing to Nanami that he is stronger now, that he keeps getting stronger, but that's not what this moment is about.
Yuji loves him. It's been months since Nanami was taken from them all in Shibuya, Christmas echoing around them as they prepared to fight Sukuna, and Yuji never forgot him. It was something that kept him going, propelled him, despite his failures, despite his losses: Nanami was there, in the back of his mind, as a source of strength and courage for him. How is he meant to express that to him without becoming more of a burden for him?
Yuji doesn't want to be a curse either, even if he's barely human these days. ]
Happier here.
[ He understands.
Yuji would be happier if he died and came here for the rest of his life. If he gave it his all and lost his life, at least he could say he tried. At least he could say it had some meaning. If he was allowed to come here after that and find happiness with Nanami, with Gojo and all his new friends... He can't be blamed for wanting that. But it's all a childish fantasy, because he has to go back eventually. Just like Gojo-sensei; he can't stay here forever.
Shaking his head, he grips Nanami a little tighter - enough to hurt if he isn't careful with his strength. He doesn't want to let go, to admit that he'll have to leave this place again, leave Nanami behind for a second time. He's not strong enough right now. ]
Will you wait for me? If I have to go back... Will you be here when I return too?
[ The hug comes tighter and Nanami knows that Yuji is desperate for the comfort, for the reassurance. That he needs some sort of stability to feel like he's on his own two feet again. So, even with it starting to feel a little too tight, Nanami doesn't push him off or try to loosen the grip. He just pets his hair, holds him tight, makes sure he feels like he has someone to hold onto — that he has Nanami to hold onto.
He wonders slightly if he's enabling Yuji, making him hold onto grief he should let go because of his own inability to let go of Yuji. The question Yuji asks gives him pause because he knows the answer is yes, that he would, that if Yuji needs him to be here he will be here. But he also doesn't want to have Yuji wishing for death just to return to Nanami. Ahhh... what is he supposed to say?
His voice is quiet when he replies, his touch tender as he continues petting Yuji's hair. ]
Itadori-kun. [ A pause. ] ... Yuji.
I cannot promise you anything, but I can tell you my desire is to make sure you're not alone, that I'm here for you. Either here at the hotel or if fate shines upon us, in another life.
Please know I don't intend to leave you. You mean a great deal to me and I want to see you survive and flourish. I want to help you regain your spirit while you're here and see you off eventually with a smile on your face.
[ A squeeze from Nanami then and he sighs, tired. ]
[ If it were a slightly different situation, Yuji would be able to handle things better. He had been able to recover from Shibuya enough to keep fighting; had been able to push beyond the loss of the people he cared about most to keep fighting, had even found the strength to stand up to Sukuna after losing Fushiguro. The problem is that he has too much time to dwell now, feeling as though if he tries to avoid it he will end up with nothing more than an ache in his chest that he can't overcome.
Yuji's soul is unshakable, powerful, something that he can lean back on. But with the knowledge of Gojo-sensei going back to die, and Yuji not being able to warn him, not being strong enough to let him know... There's only so much he can handle before he breaks. In a few days, he'll push the pieces of himself back together, but that's going to take time.
Nanami's words help, as they always do, however, Yuji leaning into the strength of the man in front of him despite how guilty he feels. Nanami should be living in peace, in happiness, not...
... Not having to continue to deal with him. It makes some of his sniffling stop as he tries to push himself together, to stop breaking. He cannot keep burdening Nanami like this. He refuses.
He doesn't break away just yet, though, nodding. ]
Okay.
[ Another sniffle, but quieter, this time, as Yuji tries to reign his emotions in. ]
[ Nanami can't seem to tell how his words land with Yuji lately. The boy bottles up so much that Nanami can only make attempts to soothe him and hope they do what he hopes. He knows it's just Yuji's way of coping, of dealing with the heavy burdens he carries, and so he does not want to push or make Yuji feel like he's burdening Nanami at all by coming to him with this. He's so, so grateful that Yuji would open up to him at all.
He's quiet, petting Yuji's hair and listening to him sniffle for a moment. He wonders if he should remain here, keep Yuji company, or leave him to rest on his own. He thinks the boy needs rest, honestly. He doesn't look like he's been sleeping well. Maybe Nanami can stay until he falls asleep. ]
You're welcome, Itadori-kun. [ . . . ] You should lay down, try and get some rest.
[ Here's the thing: Yuji does not expect Nanami to stay. He does not expect anything other than to be left to curl up in the bed and to cope with his grief all by himself, because that's what he's used to doing these days. When he's been given time to process the hurt and pain he's felt, the only way he has been able to deal with it has been to bury it, to force himself to suffer it and shoulder it until he's able to stand up again.
It feels like the same this time.
Lifting his hand, he rubs at his eyes - red and sore, the crying taking it out of him - before he sighs and gives Nanami an awkward little bow of thanks. ]
[ Nanami is surprised by the dismissal because, well, that wasn't his plan at all. He still plans to stay until Yuji falls asleep but he also worries now that he's be intruding in a way Yuji doesn't want. His mouth pulls into a thin line as he considers it.
Well, he might as well ask, to make sure they're both clear. ]
I was thinking of staying until you fell asleep as I don't want to leave you alone. But if you don't want me to, I can leave now instead.
[ He leaves it open ended from there because he doesn't want to pressure Yuji. It's up to him, if he desires the comfort or not. He just doesn't want him to feel alone in this. ]
[ Yuji... Didn't expect that. He's more accustomed to dealing with this kind of thing alone, because... Well, everyone who would comfort him is long gone, other than Choso, and he's a little overbearing. The idea of Nanami sticking around just to take care of him or make sure he's okay...
It makes his eyes well up again, and he rubs his face furiously. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
text, after yuji's arrival
[ About issues with him, natch. ]
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That doesn't matter right now.
[ no one has yet— ]
We need to talk.
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or is withholding information from me just your thing now
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I can't respond to this over text message. Can we meet in person?
[ . . . ]
Please?
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fine.
name the place and i'll be there.
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My room. 0505. I'll wait for you there.
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[ His room, then. That's for the best, but the flat-out acknowledgement that this isn't a conversation that Nanami is willing to having in public makes his skin run cold. The cloying sensation of betrayal claws at his throat, because it has happened before — the world being pulled out from under his feet, by one of those dearest to him.
— He's getting ahead of himself. He has to be. Yet his mind and nerves are both buzzing by the time Gojo takes the short trip to teleport to Nanami's door, rapping his knuckles urgently against it while his heart hammers against his ribs, and he waits.
Briefly, he closes his eyes, and he can see Yuji's scarred, tearstained face there. The utter absence of Sukuna. The sound of his voice as he apologized, over and over, for something that Gojo can't even begin to piece together, and would not ask his student about.
So it falls to Nanami instead. It's not what either of them want, but it falls to Nanami instead. ]
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So, when he hears the knock to his door, his heart sinks and he tries to remember how to take a breath.
He'll move to answer the door and the first thing to notice is he's not in his usual suit. He's in a simple cardigan and sweatpants, lounging clothes more than anything. He was clearly not prepared to have this conversation right now.
He'll let Gojo into his room, which is more of a small beach house on the interior. The entrance leads to the living room and kitchen area, past that a little patio with some beach chairs and a hammock leading off to a small pool. The weather and time of day reflect the rest of the beach floor outside past Nanami's door.
When Gojo is inside, Nanami is quiet for a moment before he just asks — ]
Do you want some tea or do you want to get right into it?
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Maybe that's a reminder that Gojo needs right now. That whatever responsibility they bear, Nanami is still only human, not a machine. He can only control his emotions so much.
That goes for Gojo, too. His hands are in his pockets as he steps inside, and as Nanami offers him tea, his fingernails bite into his palms, forming into fists. ]
You know I'm not the patient type. [ His stomach is too tied up in knots for tea, anyway. ] So, don't keep me waiting. Do you know what happened to Itadori?
[ He knows he doesn't need to elaborate. ]
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Nanami leans against the kitchen counter, folding his arms over his chest and gives a sigh. Gojo needs an answer and all Nanami can tell him is the truth. His gaze fixes to the floor for a long moment before he finally speaks. ]
I... don't. [ Looking back up at Gojo, he continues before he can get the ire of the man. ] Not entirely. He didn't tell me much of what happened after we last saw each other, I think he's from further in the future than that night in Shibuya but he said he wasn't ready to talk about it. I didn't press him on that.
[ But then the obvious question is — what does Nanami know then? Because clearly he knows more than he initially told Gojo. It all doesn't make sense unless Nanami confesses the truth. There's one missing piece of information here and Nanami knows what it is. He just... doesn't want to talk about it.
Part of him is tempted to figure out a way to avoid confessing the truth again. But that's his cowardice speaking and he staunchly refuses to give in to it again. ]
I lied to you, Gojo-san. About what happened in Shibuya and why I'm here at the hotel. The truth is I don't know how things ended in Shibuya, I don't know if they recovered the prison realm from Kenjaku. I don't know anything past a certain point because...
[ He pauses. He doesn't want to say it. He really, really does not want to say it. But it has to be done, he has to rip the band-aid off. He takes a breath, he looks straight at Gojo, and he says it. ]
Because I died. Itadori saw it happen. Mahito, the patchwork curse, killed me. I cannot leave the hotel because there is nowhere for me to go now, unless I want to pass on to the afterlife. Whatever Itadori has seen, the trauma he's gone through, I only know part of it. I am part of it. When we talked, he blamed himself for my death but it's not true. The only person who can be blamed for my death is myself.
[ Nanami stands up straight then, arms at his side as he faces Gojo and then, a moment later, he is bowing to him. ]
I am sorry, Gojo-san. For lying to you. For failing you. For failing Itadori.
[ Nanami has never bowed like this to Gojo before. Never. ]
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Because Nanami always comes back. He's the who you can always count on, the one Gojo trusts more than any other. Nanami is always there, no matter what.
So what does he mean, he...he died?
...It's happening again, his footing swept out from under him once again, even as he digs in his heels, refuses to accept what he's hearing. ]
That's not — you can't be —
[ Nanami is always there, no matter what. When Haibara was killed, when Suguru defected, when Shoko scarcely gets to do anything but her work...even though he left, Nanami came back. And there the same man before him now, offering him a bow in apology, in deference that Gojo has never seen from his before. It makes his stomach twist and lurch, his ears ringing, a cold sweat sweeping over him from head to toe, as his protests die on his lips. This is real. There is no room for doubt.
A strangled sound lodges itself in his throat, as he finds himself frozen in place, in time for the moment, and oh, doesn't that remind him. It's ironic, really, that Nanami is so quick to blame himself, for not being strong enough, for dying at the hands of a special grade, when none of them would have been in that position in the first place, if he hadn't been sealed. If he hadn't failed, when he should have been the first and last line of defense. Nanami's blood is on his hands. Yuji's suffering is on his hands.
...He doesn't stay frozen in place for long, as much as he doesn't want to accept it, doesn't want to move past this moment, as if as soon as he does, it will be real, and there's no going back. But he wouldn't want to go back to ignorance, even if he could. Maybe he should be outraged, maybe he should deny it or rebuke him, but none of that feels...right. Maybe it's how he would have reacted, a few short months ago, when he first arrived, but he isn't the same man he was then. He doesn't carry the same heart he did then. ]
Y-you idiot... [ How often does he get to say that to Nanami, rather than the reverse? Stepping forward, Gojo closes the distance between them, winding his arms around Nanami's shoulders and pulling him against him in a rough embrace. His voice, too, has gone rough with emotion, held together through sheer force of will. ] Bastard. Don't you dare apologize for that.
[ Even knowing full well, were their positions reversed, he would do the same. ]
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So when Gojo does the exact opposite of all things Nanami expects — when he moves forward and hugs Nanami, Nanami does not know what to do. He is frozen for a moment, arms at his side, staring in shock at the wall past them instead. What is this? What is this?
But then something kind of... cracks in him at that. Gojo, his beloved senpai, his oldest friend, is hugging him and calling him an idiot and telling him not to apologize and — and he is so very lucky that he was able to tell Gojo the truth. In another life, he died and Gojo was unsealed and found out that way. They never were afforded a proper goodbye, because that is the life of a sorcerer and that is what they are doomed to.
Tentatively, Nanami's arms come up and his hands clutch at the back of Gojo's shirt. His chin drops against his shoulder and his breath comes out a little shaky as he, yet again, apologizes for what is outside his control. He feels a little like a teenager again, emotions unmoored and control slipping through his fingers. ]
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
[ His voice cracks at the end there and he closes his eyes, trying not to let the stinging sensation take over. He accepted his death, he made peace with it, he was fine with dying and yet in this moment, he can't help but think —
I don't want to die. He wants to go to Kuantan. He wants to grow old. He wants to get married. He wants to see Gojo best those old fools at the school. He wants to see the man Itadori will become. He doesn't want to leave them. He doesn't want to leave them.
He doesn't want to die. ]
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He exhales softly, quietly, his fingers gripping the fabric of Nanami's cardigan tight. ]
...Yeah. I'm sorry, too.
[ It's just as he always tells his students. Sorcerers never die without regrets. They never die without unfinished business, without words unsaid, promises unmade. Nanami knows this, too; they accept it as a part of what's asked of them. Yet even so, with whatever reached out to his spirit after death, he...chose to come here. In spite of those regrets, he chose to seize a little more life, for however long he chooses to, however long he can. He made a choice for himself, and nothing makes his senpai prouder than that. ]
I'm really glad you're here, Nanami.
[ He'd been glad before, even if he hadn't expressed it in quite so many words, because for all the wonderful connections he's made since arriving, no one quite understands the demands of being a sorcerer like a sorcerer themselves. Now he knows they have to cherish their time together all the more, that this is the only place their friendship still bears both halves. They won't...have the chance to again back home.
...If Gojo even gets unsealed this century, but that's something he can worry about later. ]
...Guess I better get my ass out of that box, huh.
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For a moment, he presses his face into Gojo's shoulder and just holds the other man tightly, trying to put all the feelings he's been holding back in the box they belong. It's true, there is no way to die without regrets. They know this. It's something you learn the moment you come into jujutsu society. Gojo's known this since he was born. Nanami's known this since he was a teenager. Part of Nanami wonders if it would've been easier if he just never came to the hotel and had to deal with the after.
But he's also glad he had this chance to be here, to see his friend one last time, to see his protege one last time. Even if this ends in nothing more than heartache and Nanami having to be alone in the end, he's glad he chose to come to the hotel. It's true — he just wanted a little bit more time, a little bit more life.
Gojo says he's glad that Nanami is here and the last bit of tension drops from Nanami's shoulders. Now it's all out there, the truth, and Nanami is hiding nothing else from Gojo. There is a relief in him that hasn't been there since the moment he chose to lie to Gojo when he first arrived. The ache of knowing he was hiding something from him this whole time lingered at the back of his mind and now it's gone, now he feels free.
At the last part, that's when Nanami pulls away from the hug and looks at Gojo with concern etched upon his features. He knows he was pushing for Gojo to go back before but now he's worried, neither of them know how long Gojo will end up being sealed and considering Yuji's state of mind when he arrived — it doesn't look like Gojo was able to return just yet. If he had, maybe things would've been better for whatever is happening to Yuji outside of the hotel.
But instead of a don't, instead of a you have to, or what if you don't come back? — Nanami asks, ]
How long do you think it'll take?
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He doesn’t want to say they’ve been destined to end. Can’t say it, after the promises he’s made. But…even if he can eventually come back, there are things that only he can do, and he sure as hell can’t do them while he’s lingering here. It’ll eat at him, knowing what he knows now, especially. He…has to go back. Soon. He has to make sure that Nanami’s death wasn’t in vain. That whatever or whoever it was that did this to Yuji pays recompense. There will be a reckoning.
…Yet that’s only when he’s unsealed. ]
…Wish I could tell you. [ A harsh sigh spills from his lips. ] I couldn’t even tell you how much time has already passed while I’ve been in there. Could’ve been minutes, or years.It’s all…jumbled.
[ His mouth thins into a hard line. ]
But it doesn’t matter how long it takes. Either I’ll find a way out, or the others will. The special grades only sealed me because they knew they couldn’t kill me. I’m overdue to remind them why that is.
[ He always takes so much pleasure in jujutsu, in decimating his foes, but it will be a rare kind of privilege to tear apart the ones who sealed him. The one who stole Suguru’s body and paraded around in his skin.
…He’s well overdue for a proper burial. ]
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Nanami also briefly wonders if Gojo will come back. He — He will though, he has to. With Yuji here. With the ties Gojo has made here. With... Nanami still here and not going anywhere. He hopes he comes back, and with news. With good news. They could use it, considering the state of things. ]
You are. There's no way Itadori and the others would rest until they figured out a way to unseal you. It must be difficult for them. [ Considering the state of Yuji, he's sure it is. ] Your return will give them hope they clearly need.
[ He's quiet for a moment, considering. He feels lighter now than he has in weeks and is eager to know what's going on back home now, eager to see Gojo return and give the curses hell for what they've done to Yuji and the others. But he doesn't want to push either, knows he's just... a bystander now. ]
Tell me when you plan to leave. I'll keep watch over Itadori while you're gone.
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He's always known, his entire stay here was just...delaying the inevitable, really. ]
...I'll need a little time to settle affairs here. [ He won't leave Itadori behind so soon after being reunited with him, after Itadori fell to pieces against him like he had. He also has his other friends to consider, and Sumina...she's always known it would come to this, too, but that doesn't make it any easier.
It's better if he just focuses on the eventually outcome, instead. After he goes and deals with the curses, after he rips that impostor free of Suguru's body and sets things right, he can come back. He will come back.
Who else is going to deliver the news to Nanami? It has to be him. ]
I know you will. I get the feeling he might try to stop me if I leave, so...he'll need you more than ever.
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I'll be there for him. Make sure he feels supported.
[ A pause and he's not really one to ask about this sort of thing, already feels awkward even considering it but... ]
What will you tell Sumina-san?
[ He's not oblivious, after all. Especially after their lunch together. He knows the two are together in some capacity. Which is an interesting thing, considering what he knows of Gojo's relationship history (or lack thereof). Still, he wants to make sure Gojo feels like he can talk to someone about it even if Nanami isn't sure he's the right person for this either. ]
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He presses his lips together before blowing a thin sigh out between them. ]
...She's always known I'd have to go back someday, too. [ But like him, she likely wouldn't have expected it so soon, so suddenly. It's better this way, though, he thinks. His unfinished business has been a roadblock in so many ways in his life, and if he goes back to finish it...it'd be better, in the long run. ] She'll understand.
[ A beat, his gaze finding some idle corner of the room, before he adds: ]
She's a lot like you, you know. She'll work herself to death before reflecting on her own needs.
[ And she probably will when he goes, too. ]
gift.
Dear Nanamin
Happy Valentine's Day! I've heard from some people that you seem happy here, so I hope that keeps happening. I'm glad to be able to see you again and spend more time with you. Enjoy the chocolate and don't share it with anyone!
- Yuji
There are a handful of small chocolates, in non-traditional shapes, if only because Yuji thought it would be weird to give Nanami heart shaped chocolates from a student. ]
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Thank you for the chocolates, Itadori-kun. I've left you something at your room as well.
[ And Yuji will find a box with one large handmade chocolate in it, shaped like a tiger face. It's a little messy and clearly not made by someone with the most talent, but it's recognizable enough. There is a note:
Happy Valentine's Day. I am glad you are here.
- Nanami
Looks like he did take up Giselle's offer on learning how to make some chocolates. ]
another gift…
It’s not great artwork, but it’s definitely cute.
A message is left for him, attached to the plushie: Gojo-sensei said you’d like to see it! I hope your wishes all come true here, Nanamin. I’m glad I get to spend more time with you. - Yuji Itadori.
As if he needed to sign his full name, given how obviously from him the gift is. ]
so cute..........
So yes, now anytime someone comes to Nanami's room, they will see a little stuffed plushie sitting on his bookshelf, with the picture of Yuji leaning against it. Like a proud papa. ]
un: satorumon
i'm leaving tomorrow
do me a favor while i'm gone?
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What do you need?
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just
take care of each other
okay?
[ All of them. He doesn't feel the need to specify — Nanami already knows. ]
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He understands. They'll take care of each other while he's gone. And Gojo will definitely return. ]
You don't have to worry.
[ . . . ]
Take care of yourself as well, alright?
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don't i always?
[ crit fail that will age poorly ]
i'll be back before you know it
let the others take care of you too
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I'll try.
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[ He feels like he should say more than that, but...what else is there to say? All that's left to do now is to act, and he's always been better at that than heart to hearts, anyway. Whatever outcome he faces...he will be back. It's thanks to Nanami's own confession that he realizes he can come back, no matter what. ]
i'll see you soon then
be ready to shower me with confetti :3
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Which is why Nanami's reply is a curt: ]
Absolutely not.
[ Because he wouldn't want to act like he cares or anything. ]
See you soon, Gojo-san.
text @yuyu
u busy?
[ This is informal, even for Yuji. ]
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I'm not. What do you need?
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before gojo-sensei comes back
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Would you like to meet in person?
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and i know what happens
idk what to do about that
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Are you wishing you could change what happens?
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i'd let myself die if it fixed this
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Would Gojo-san be happy if you did that though?
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... Nanami has to pause for a moment as the reality of what he feared since the moment Yuji texted him comes to pass. Does that mean Gojo died? Gojo? He wouldn't, he couldn't, it's not possible.
But... but Nanami is also a realist, pragmatic, and deeply cynical. Gojo is the Strongest but if he's dead, it means he was killed by Sukuna. The only person who could come close to killing Gojo, and if Sukuna killed him that means Yuji killed him. No wonder the boy was so broken up when he arrived. No wonder his attitude about himself has tanked so completely. Briefly, Nanami wonders about the lack of eye scars on Yuji's face. Sukuna is not here with them, Yuji is just a boy again, but what else could that mean?
Nanami takes a breath and tries not to panic. He can't fix what's happened at home. But he can help Yuji right now, here.
So, he's quiet for a long moment before he finally replies: ]
Itadori-kun, if you died, I would be devastated.
[ Nanami is dead. He's not going back. He can share sentiment like that now, he doesn't need to be the pragmatic realist he always is. He needs to be the caring mentor. He needs Yuji to realize he matters.
He's not the vessel for Sukuna. He's Itadori Yuji, his precious mentee. ]
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They'd been at peace, relaxing, finding their happiness. His arrival had brought nothing but pain and heartache, and he keeps going it. He has to put his phone down because his hands are shaking so badly, not able to muster up the strength to reply. It doesn't register to him that Nanami would be worried, that he would be concerned, that any of this might cause problems - he's too lost in his own sadness, the hurt of it all catching up to him. He turns, burrowing into the pillows of his bed, and he just cries.
If he died, Nanamin would be devastated. Yuji doesn't know how to handle that, doesn't know how to process it when he wishes, so desperately, that he had died. In the long run, wouldn't all their lives have been better if Yuji had died when he first ate Sukuna's finger? There would have been no Shibuya, Nanami and Kugisaki would have lived, Gojo-sensei would've survived, Fushiguro would have freedom. It's all his fault, and the spiralling of his thoughts has it all crashing down on him.
For so long, he had something to focus on - he had the Culling Game, and then he had fighting Sukuna, supporting Gojo-sensei - and now he has nothing but the time to dwell and let himself sink further and further into his own despair. He is unshakable, this won't break him forever, but he also knows that this was a long time coming. He can barely breathe with it, his hurt and his ache making him want to never leave the hotel room again. If he stays, he won't have to face them - their hurt, their pity, their frustration, their irritation with him, for lying, for hiding this, for not being strong enough.
He's never strong enough. He couldn't even kill Mahito. What is the point of his existence, beyond being a part in the stupid machine of sorcery? He had the belief, once, that he could be a sorcerer, could be something good for this world, and in the end...
What has he done with his life, to make it worth saving?
It's a long, long time between Nanami's text and Yuji's reply as he tries to wrest himself back into control. It takes too many minutes, and he is sure that Nanami will be getting worried by now. The messages come, one after the other, in a little rush of heartache. ]
im sorry nanamin
i understand
i felt that way when you
yeah
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Gojo is dead. The reality sinks into him as he waits for Yuji's reply. He wonders if Gojo will return after he died or before it. Will this be another lie Nanami will have to hold back from him now that Yuji has shared the truth with him? He doesn't want to carry this burden, but there's nothing to be done. He wishes for a moment that Gojo was here, so he could talk to him, figure out what to do about Yuji together. Figure out what to do about their deaths now that they're both no longer able to go back home. But that's putting the cart before the horse and so he shakes his head and dismisses the thought.
By the time he's finished getting caught up in what ifs, Yuji finally replies and he opens his phone to read the messages, a frown pulling across his face. ]
I know you are carrying deep pain right now, Itadori-kun, and I cannot promise it gets better. But death is not the alternative, no matter how much loss you are carrying. You can only keep moving forward.
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Nanami's death, twinned with Kugisaki's, had been enough to break him. Without Todo's intervention, he would never have made it out alive. Maybe that, too, would've been better.
Sniffling, he groans into the pillow, trying to find the right words to ease Nanami's concerns while being honest enough to satisfy him. ]
sorry
it'll be ok tomorrow
[ Dealing with grief? Not Yuji. ]
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He wishes he could just fix this, but he knows it's not in his power. He can only be there to support Yuji the best he can. ]
It's okay if you are not. You don't have to be okay, you know.
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[ If he breaks down now, Fushiguro will know that things are worse than he might already be picturing. For him to find out about Gojo-sensei, for him to find out about his sister... It would break him. Yuji had seen it. His heart hurts, and he feels like he's being crushed by a solid, real life weight. ]
just for today. i'll feel it for today.
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For now, he tries to comfort Yuji instead. ]
Feel it for today. Don't bottle it up. Then, tomorrow's a new day.
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Doesn’t he? ]
im trying. ok?
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I know you are. You're strong, Itadori-kun, and I don't just mean physically.
Please, when you feel like this again, don't hesitate to reach out to me like you did today.
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i changed my mind
can i see you?
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Yes. Would you like to come to me or should I come to you?
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[ As is ever the case with Yuji, this isn’t necessarily about him. He thinks… Maybe Nanami needs the comfort now too. ]
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[ Nanami doesn't take long to get there. About ten or so minutes later, Yuji will get a knock on his door. On the other side, there is Nanami. He's dressed down in a sweater and a pair of slacks, but his hair is still in its usual part and he's wearing his sunglasses.
He'll be scrutinizing Yuji carefully when he answers, wanting to know just what's going on in that brain of his. ]
Itadori-kun.
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He can’t let Fushiguro see yet, after all.
Once they’re inside, he stands awkwardly in the room. His bed is a mess, the duvet wrapped up in a way that suggests a blanket fort of some kind, and Yuji sniffles. ]
Hi, Nanamin.
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So, he's going to tug Yuji closer into a hug, arms going around his shoulders and hugging him to his chest. He'll drop his chin into his hair and just hold him for a little while, since it's clear this is what Yuji needs as well. ]
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Oh.
The arms wrap around him and through the mist of pain and grief Yuji feels a sharp burst of safety, of comfort. Even though he knows it’ll get worse before it gets better, right now the only thing that bubbles inside him is thankfulness, a rush of contentment soothing the lava hot edges of his sadness.
Yuji would never have asked Nanami for this before, not dared and never expected it, but the arms feel so solid. Like scaffolds that won’t break, support that won’t crumble. The shudder than runs through him is tears again, but this time…
He sniffles, hiding his face against Nanami and gripping to him. It’s just like their first meeting all over again. ]
Nanamin…
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So, Nanami squeezes him a little tighter and holds him close, letting him hide his face and cry if he wants to. He'll be here to support him through it, be his anchor in the storm if he needs to.
Quietly, with empathy, he asks — ]
Gojo-san died, didn't he?
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He’s only fifteen.
Breathing out, he tries to muster himself as best he can. ]
Right before I came here. Sukuna activated a binding vow and Fushiguro became his vessel. When Gojo-sensei fought Sukuna, he died.
[ The noise that comes next is a subdued wail, a soft, mournful sound. He hasn’t had a moment to grieve, not really. ]
It’s all my fault.
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But then there's more there. A binding vow? Sukuna took over Megumi as his vessel? The pieces fall into place a little more easily then. Sukuna's power combined with the deep understanding he likely has of Megumi's technique, more than Megumi does most likely. That must have been what killed Gojo.
The lack of eye scars too. Megumi arriving at the hotel from a time earlier than Yuji, probably because the hotel knew he couldn't arrive with Sukuna inhabiting his body. It all makes sense now and the tragedy of it is so obvious. He feels so, so bad for Yuji. That much to carry on such a young man's shoulders. ]
It's not your fault. I know in this moment it feels like every one of your decisions have led up to this series of events, that if you did anything differently things might have ended up differently as well. But that is not true.
I'm not trying to say that this was all predetermined or fate or anything like that. I just mean that the blame for this is not on your shoulders. Sukuna was a threat long before you joined our world and until he is gone, he will continue to be a threat. The curse users were also working together to bind Gojo before you arrived as well. Their attack on us was inevitable.
So, listen to me, while this is a tragedy: it is not your fault. If anything, it is our fault for dragging you into our world when you are an innocent.
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It piles up. Grandpa, Junpei, Nanami, Kugisaki, Todo, Inumaki, Fushiguro, Tsumiki, Gojo-sensei, the countless lives lost in Shibuya that he hangs himself on… It doesn’t matter to Yuji what anyone says, what Higuruma-san tells him, this is all his doing. He wishes that he had died after that first mission for real - then Nanami would never have known him. He’d never have to worry about him, be burdened by Yuji’s hurt and his pain. He had wanted to keep the older man happy and peaceful here, but he was selfish.
Selfishly, he wants more time with him. Selfishly, he wants to steal as much of Nanami as he’s allowed and carry it with him. He’d promised, after Shibuya. ‘You’ve got it from here’, ‘I’ll carry your share of suffering’. What were those words worth now? What was the point of it all, if this is how he handled it all? Useless, pathetic creature- that’s how he sees himself. Todo should’ve left him to rot.
He should’ve died months ago. ]
I’m not innocent, Nanamin. The things I’ve done are unforgivable. It’s not fair to say something like that any more, not when I know.
[ He grips at Nanami a little tighter, unable to lift his head and show his face, too filled with self-loathing and disgust. ]
I get it now. I should’ve let them kill me from the start.
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So, he tries to soothe him. He holds him. He pets his hair. He lets him cry. ]
The actions Sukuna performed while in your body are not your burden to carry, Itadori-kun. You are an innocent. You are not guilty for another's crimes.
[ But he knows Yuji won't believe him, so he just continues to hold him.
Quietly, ]
... I don't want you to die.
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(He will. He doesn't have a choice).
Shaking his head, he breathes out a shaky noise; Nanami will keep arguing, even if Yuji disagrees with him. That's how things are, and he can't undo it. When he speaks, though...
When he speaks, Yuji feels another part of him shatter, and he presses even closer, nuzzling into Nanami's chest and wheezing out a sad, mournful noise. It makes him feel as if he's been punched in the gut, and he shivers a little as he tries to find words. ]
I didn't - I didn't want to lose you, either. I wanted to save you, more than anything.
[ His voice breaks a little, in the same way that it had when he had seen his mentor in Shibuya, that echo of the hurt, pained Nanamin hanging in his mind. ]
I missed you so much, Nanamin. I never forgot you, even for a second. Not once. I won't.
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But Yuji sobs and presses closer and Nanami responds by holding him tighter, making sure he's that grounding force for Yuji when he feels so shattered right now. He continues to pet his hair, continues to give him what he thinks is comfort, hopes is comfort. ]
I know, but it was my time. Please don't blame yourself for my death. I'm... happier now.
[ His own feelings on his death are complicated. Some days he wakes up and can't get out of bed, the misery of it hitting him too acutely. Others, he feels reenergized and happy to be free from the things he was carrying while he was alive. But he can't let Yuji know that his feelings are mixed, can't burden Yuji with that knowledge.
So, he thinks of the positives. Being at the hotel, finding his peace, refinding his friendship with Gojo, being able to be here for Yuji again, meeting Charlie and their burgeoning relationship. These are all things he's happy about and would never have been able to accomplish if he were still alive. He is happy, in a way he never would have been as a sorcerer. ]
Just... remember me, okay? And live a long life. When it's over, we'll see each other again.
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Yuji loves him. It's been months since Nanami was taken from them all in Shibuya, Christmas echoing around them as they prepared to fight Sukuna, and Yuji never forgot him. It was something that kept him going, propelled him, despite his failures, despite his losses: Nanami was there, in the back of his mind, as a source of strength and courage for him. How is he meant to express that to him without becoming more of a burden for him?
Yuji doesn't want to be a curse either, even if he's barely human these days. ]
Happier here.
[ He understands.
Yuji would be happier if he died and came here for the rest of his life. If he gave it his all and lost his life, at least he could say he tried. At least he could say it had some meaning. If he was allowed to come here after that and find happiness with Nanami, with Gojo and all his new friends... He can't be blamed for wanting that. But it's all a childish fantasy, because he has to go back eventually. Just like Gojo-sensei; he can't stay here forever.
Shaking his head, he grips Nanami a little tighter - enough to hurt if he isn't careful with his strength. He doesn't want to let go, to admit that he'll have to leave this place again, leave Nanami behind for a second time. He's not strong enough right now. ]
Will you wait for me? If I have to go back... Will you be here when I return too?
[ Maybe it's not fair to ask, but... ]
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He wonders slightly if he's enabling Yuji, making him hold onto grief he should let go because of his own inability to let go of Yuji. The question Yuji asks gives him pause because he knows the answer is yes, that he would, that if Yuji needs him to be here he will be here. But he also doesn't want to have Yuji wishing for death just to return to Nanami. Ahhh... what is he supposed to say?
His voice is quiet when he replies, his touch tender as he continues petting Yuji's hair. ]
Itadori-kun. [ A pause. ] ... Yuji.
I cannot promise you anything, but I can tell you my desire is to make sure you're not alone, that I'm here for you. Either here at the hotel or if fate shines upon us, in another life.
Please know I don't intend to leave you. You mean a great deal to me and I want to see you survive and flourish. I want to help you regain your spirit while you're here and see you off eventually with a smile on your face.
[ A squeeze from Nanami then and he sighs, tired. ]
... Okay?
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Yuji's soul is unshakable, powerful, something that he can lean back on. But with the knowledge of Gojo-sensei going back to die, and Yuji not being able to warn him, not being strong enough to let him know... There's only so much he can handle before he breaks. In a few days, he'll push the pieces of himself back together, but that's going to take time.
Nanami's words help, as they always do, however, Yuji leaning into the strength of the man in front of him despite how guilty he feels. Nanami should be living in peace, in happiness, not...
... Not having to continue to deal with him. It makes some of his sniffling stop as he tries to push himself together, to stop breaking. He cannot keep burdening Nanami like this. He refuses.
He doesn't break away just yet, though, nodding. ]
Okay.
[ Another sniffle, but quieter, this time, as Yuji tries to reign his emotions in. ]
Thank you, Nanamin.
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He's quiet, petting Yuji's hair and listening to him sniffle for a moment. He wonders if he should remain here, keep Yuji company, or leave him to rest on his own. He thinks the boy needs rest, honestly. He doesn't look like he's been sleeping well. Maybe Nanami can stay until he falls asleep. ]
You're welcome, Itadori-kun. [ . . . ] You should lay down, try and get some rest.
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[ Here's the thing: Yuji does not expect Nanami to stay. He does not expect anything other than to be left to curl up in the bed and to cope with his grief all by himself, because that's what he's used to doing these days. When he's been given time to process the hurt and pain he's felt, the only way he has been able to deal with it has been to bury it, to force himself to suffer it and shoulder it until he's able to stand up again.
It feels like the same this time.
Lifting his hand, he rubs at his eyes - red and sore, the crying taking it out of him - before he sighs and gives Nanami an awkward little bow of thanks. ]
Thank you for coming to see me.
[ As if it's a dismissal! ]
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Well, he might as well ask, to make sure they're both clear. ]
I was thinking of staying until you fell asleep as I don't want to leave you alone. But if you don't want me to, I can leave now instead.
[ He leaves it open ended from there because he doesn't want to pressure Yuji. It's up to him, if he desires the comfort or not. He just doesn't want him to feel alone in this. ]
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[ Yuji... Didn't expect that. He's more accustomed to dealing with this kind of thing alone, because... Well, everyone who would comfort him is long gone, other than Choso, and he's a little overbearing. The idea of Nanami sticking around just to take care of him or make sure he's okay...
It makes his eyes well up again, and he rubs his face furiously. ]
... Yeah, you can stay.