[ It feels a little cruel to say Nanami doesn’t understand, because Yuji knows he does. He might not have the same understanding of being a vessel, a tool to destroy Sukuna and nothing more, but he definitely empathises with the things Yuji isn’t saying: feeling like a part in a machine, like his role is one specific thing and that’s how he should live. Yuji can’t say to Nanami that he doesn’t get it, because they’ve suffered losses before. Both of them have lost as much as they’d ever gained in this world, hadn’t they?

It piles up. Grandpa, Junpei, Nanami, Kugisaki, Todo, Inumaki, Fushiguro, Tsumiki, Gojo-sensei, the countless lives lost in Shibuya that he hangs himself on… It doesn’t matter to Yuji what anyone says, what Higuruma-san tells him, this is all his doing. He wishes that he had died after that first mission for real - then Nanami would never have known him. He’d never have to worry about him, be burdened by Yuji’s hurt and his pain. He had wanted to keep the older man happy and peaceful here, but he was selfish.

Selfishly, he wants more time with him. Selfishly, he wants to steal as much of Nanami as he’s allowed and carry it with him. He’d promised, after Shibuya. ‘You’ve got it from here’, ‘I’ll carry your share of suffering’. What were those words worth now? What was the point of it all, if this is how he handled it all? Useless, pathetic creature- that’s how he sees himself. Todo should’ve left him to rot.

He should’ve died months ago. ]

I’m not innocent, Nanamin. The things I’ve done are unforgivable. It’s not fair to say something like that any more, not when I know.

[ He grips at Nanami a little tighter, unable to lift his head and show his face, too filled with self-loathing and disgust. ]

I get it now. I should’ve let them kill me from the start.